Thursday, September 29, 2005

It's raining outside and in my head

Just got off the phone with my fren H and decided to post an entry and upload the Melb Show pics. Although she didn’t scold, I felt very much chastised, as I realized that frens back home are relying on my blog to see what I’m up to since I’m over 6000miles away!

Truth be told, I’ve been a little down and frustrated over the lack of positive feedback from all of my applications, and I HAVE been sending a lot.

Part of me is frustrated over the difficulty of getting a job in my graduated field, and yet fully aware of why it is so difficult. And yet part of me felt that it shouldn’t be such a tedium. It has become a chore to sit down at the computer now, everyday, to send off hopeful email after hopeful email for a simple receptionist job. Most don’t even have the courtesy to send a ‘Received’ reply. Ah well.

But I’ve been a little more active the past week. Going swimming with my cousin. Driving out to 3 different places to hand in my resume, even had an impromptu interview with the manager of Subway. Went and watched ‘Deuce Bigelow’ which was hilarious!! But a pity they cut out the vampiress scene though, I wonder why.

On a more serious note, I’ve been a little worried about my aunt and uncle, which manifested in me having weird dreams that involved them. I feel a kind of tension, a kind of unhappiness in their … relationship? I think it’s something that only really married and long-term couples feel, but which they cannot or are not able to transmute into something more … pleasant or comfortable. Certain things that each of them say, in my presence, I don’t know what to say or do. I know I can’t do anything, yet I can’t help wonder if I should try.

I mentioned the dreams to my cousin and the reason why I had them, but he says that he couldn’t really be bothered because of all the past hurts, anger and disappointments he has with them. He almost makes it insignificant, but I guess it’s because it really is no big deal. Just old people throwing words at each other’s faces – loudly. Which is very against my upbringing, because I’ve never really had an all-out quarrel with anyone. I certainly didn’t dare do it with my mum. Never had any reason to with my frens. But basically, I am a non-confrontational person. If I can, I will avoid head-on confrontations and sneak out the backdoor like a coward. Survivor’s instinct. I wanna live long enough to keep my head on my neck.

But I’m still wondering if I can do anything to help them be less… bickering. I mean…. I’m here… shouldn’t I do something… somehow?