Nothing I do is right
Nothing I do is right…nothing…If I find the situation serious enough to warrant a lesson to be taught, she says I am too strict, I cannot measure his intelligence that with a normal person.
If I find the situation somewhat too serious and try to negate the tension by making things light and laugh about it, she says I am not sensitive to his feelings.
I don’t know what to do now… do this is wrong, do that is equally wrong, if not, more so. I seriously don’t know how to act anymore… and they wonder why I’m weird and have weird behaviours and mannerisms… It is precisely this kind of contradictory behaviour that gets me confused and I don’t know how to behave with outsiders… sigh…
True, I don’t understand my brother enough, nor am I understanding towards him enough. But that doesn’t mean that I am intentionally cruel to him. Sometimes I say or do the wrong things, I acknowledge that. But when I am not, and I try to make things lighter, less serious and heated, why does she turn around and say that I am insensitive? I was not!
And now I have to grovel and apologise for something that I sincerely didn’t think I did wrong…
“I am surprised at you, that you would laugh at your brother.” She said. “You should not laugh and make him feel bad, as a sister, I am surprised at you.”
I laughed because it was amusing and it was not that dire an error that he made. It was not so serious that he needed to be corrected in a serious manner. It wasn’t necessary.
“You can be so nice to other people, when you laugh at your own brother. You’re such a hypocrite. How can you laugh at your own brother. Charity starts at home. Put your pillow up higher and think about it.”
It wasn’t supposed to be demeaning or demoralising. Why did you have to take it that way? Why must you see it that way? Why must you insist on seeing whatever I say or do to my brother as wrong?
It’s wrong. It’s not fair.
I am reminded again why I wanted to stay out of the house more often. Why is it when I am more at home that these things happen? Why can’t things be peaceful? Why do you have to stir things, simple things up like that? Why must you make it like that?
… I don’t understand… I’ll never understand why you are like that, and I’ll never understand why I don’t have the strength to make sure things like this doesn’t happen… I know it’s my fault. It’s always my fault. I’m not good enough. I’m not understanding enough. I’m not smart enough.
It’s always my fault… my fault… mine… always…
I need to get out.
I need to get out.
posted by Jennirhiow @ 1:25 am
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