Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Fucking tired

I'm tired from the events over the weekend, yes.

I'm tired from the lack of sleep from the fear of sleep, yes.

I'm tired from the self-punishment of exhausting myself needlessly, yes.

I'm tired from the worry of looking for a job here and in Australia, yes.

I'm tired of having to look for extra jobs to pay bills and insurance and housing loans, yes.

I'm tired of having to juggle attention towards work and family, yes.

I'm tired of having to present a front of carefree-ness, yes.

I'm tired that I can't find time for MYSELF, yes.

Basically, I'm tired of being me.

I slept at 9pm last night. And dreamt.

I dreamt of being in the bathroom. It was a strange bathroom. First I seemed to be in some sort of studio apartment, and one corner was the bathroom, sunken in, with about 7 - 8 stairs that led to it, at the top of the shower head was a lovely window, whereby the sun could shine in that fell in a shower of sparkling lights when the shower tap was turned on. There was no glass door, no curtain, just an open sunken area with classic cream tiles and a beautiful shower sprinkle head.

So I stood there, still in my chemise, enjoying the water spinkling on me, with the sun shining through the window in soft silver rainfall. I was looking forward to getting wet, to wash and clean off everything, literally and figuratively. Just as I was about take off my clothes, when I heard this commotion behind me. Shocked, I turned, and this door! opened behind me, and three men emerged, dressed in togas and tunics, talking to each other. I stared, incredulously, but they were oblivious to my presence and they continued chatting, going up the stairs out of the bathroom and into my apartment, and out.

And so I woke, still shocked that these men had appeared out of a door I didn't know exist, and pissed that I didn't get my desired bath!!

I checked Dreammoods, and this is what I found.


Bathroom

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls, signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. It may also indicate that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. If you reveal these feelings, you are afraid that others around you will judge and criticize you.


And guess what? When I clicked on this, I found that I am also a victim of this.

What can I do? I just wish I can drop everything and run somewhere far, far away. Just for awhile. But I cannot.

Someone shoot me. And end my misery.

Before I do myself in instead. Or hurt someone accidentally. Or get into another ritual with my mom.

posted by Jennirhiow @ 9:28 pm