Thoughts of a sick person who blogs
It’s time like this that you feel blessed, enlightened, eased, soothed, even glad, that you get to read this at a time when things are terribly unsettled, shaky, wobbly, terrifying and transitional.There are times when I do think that I am sick, as in sick-in-the-head. I blame this on my zodiac. I think too much. Especially morbid stuff.
When I was in the throes of feverish dreams at night, I swear I dreamt of 3 different sides of me talking to each other; one was a hideous monster-headed thing with green eyes, one was a dark shifty insubstantial shadow of a shadow, and the other was a confused soul in an empty shell of a skeleton trying to make sense of the conversation between these 3. All of these were me. Yet I felt as though there was a 4th personage, like a bystander, who was taking down notes of what each one of these was saying. At the back of my mind, I felt I was a reporter, who kept saying, ‘I must write this down. I must write this down. Get up and get a pen and paper and write down what the green monster said.’ But I knew if I got up then to get a pen, I would lose the conversation and never get to hear the whole thing anyway. So then and there, I was torn between two decisions; stay and listen to the whole conversation, and don’t remember a single word when I wake up, or get up now and write down what little I heard, but don’t get to hear the whole conversation. Needless to say, I decided to stay and listen then, and of course, I don’t remember a single word now.
During these rare convoluted dreams, I always have the presence of mind to wish that I could somehow record down every single thing that I dream of in my dreams. And I always wake up thinking the same thing, ‘I wish I could remember.’
I touch my head sometimes now because I wonder when it will stop hurting. It’s tender from the fever and the headache during my illness. And sometimes I wonder if it’s hurting from thinking up all those weird dreams.
I’m keeping myself still and steady right now – physically. Because I don’t want to jar my poor weak body. And because I want to maintain an outward calm to influence the inside to calm.
As I said, times are terribly terrifying and shaky and transitional at this moment.
I mentioned before that strange things were happening at the office. Well, yesterday, the management finally called for a meeting to explain the new changes and happenings in the company. Which actually was also a meeting to question our loyalty to the company.
I supposed they were also getting worried of more people resigning if they didn’t say something quick about the changes. I mean, from a department of 10 people, it is now down to 4, each resigning one after the other. My 2 designers were the last to resign and everyone knows that my circulations was looking for another job. So before anyone else did, they better speak up quick.
It was a dismal meeting in my opinion. There we were in the conference room, imagine us seated at one end of the oval table; my Chief Operating Officer (COO) at the tip of the round table to exert her position, my editor to her left, and my marketing manager to her left; I sat to right of my COO, my circulations to my right, and the admin clerk to her right: a horse shaped seating that had the Higher Management facing the 3 of us small fries. If I left out my editor, that meant that there was only 3 people left in my department, the magazine. 3 out of the previous 8 (excluding my editor and marketing manager). Dismal. Very dismal. Had they looked after us better, there would still be those 8 people.
We were in the conference room for an hour, during which the COO gave her ra-ra speech about how much potential the magazine had and blah blah blah. Which we 3 sat thru in silence. At the end, when she ran out of words and breath, it was simply put to gauge our loyalty to the company and whether or not we were still going to sail along with this ship, whether we will be resigning or staying put. As simple as that.
A warning, nevertheless.
It was good that someone finally said something. At least we now know what is happening. I’m not very clever with marketing or business development. So while most of the explanation of where and how the magazine was developing went over my head, I can accept that the ship was not sinking. So at the moment, I’m fine with sailing on. Until I see that it’s sinking again, or it’s time for me to leave for Australia anyway.
I’m sad because this department has withered down to only 3 people. They aren’t going to replace those who left. And so it’s going to be so much more quieter. And lonelier. Yes, I’m already feeling lonely now that my designers have left.
On another aspect of my life, I’m upset. I’m upset with this girl who is supposed to have passed me some books necessary for a project. Time and again it is either put off, or she forgot to bring it out of the house, or she was too busy to meet up with me to pass me the books. Worst, there is no cheque for my writers and I to carry on the project. First the client didn’t give her to the money. Fine. Then when the client finally passes it to her, she’s busy or forgot or something or other. Fine. Then when she’s supposed to meet me to pass to me, the client calls her up to say there are some changes, so the original cheque is to be cancelled. So in the end, nothing.
Meanwhile, one of my writers who happens to be a good friend is upset because there is no cheque and no books for him to continue the project. He gets upset with me. But he’s not the only one. And I tell him that I’m trying my best to get the money and the books and to hold his horses. And now he hasn’t spoken to me in weeks. I’m upset because of this girl and this project, our friendship seems damaged, through no fault of mine. No doubt the deadline for the project has been extended, but I hate having things hanging. When there is a job to be done, I want to get it done ASAP. I hate having to wait for the books. I hate having to wait for the money. I hate the fact that I keep pushing her for both. I call, I sms, I email, till I’m afraid that she thinks I’m a nag and pushy, when all I want is to get the job done quick.
Now I’m through pushing and calling. If she wants the work to be done, she will have to push the client for the money quick, and pass the books to me together with it, otherwise no work will be done on all our parts. I will not call my writers till I have something for them. I’m embarrassed that each time they call me, I have nothing for them, and they keep asking me, ‘Jenn, what’s going on? Is the project on? Where is the money? Where are the books? Is something fishy going on? What’s taking so long?’ And I keep saying, ‘Yes, it’s still on. Nothing’s fishy. Just wait for me to get the stuff from this girl who is the liaison with the client. Nothing’s wrong. I’m sorry it’s taking so long. Hang on.’
I’m sick of the whole waiting game.
On another aspect of sick, the lump in my armpit started to hurt last night. I don’t know why it acted up last night. But I’m definitely going for that check up next Monday. I can only visit this clinic on Monday. I’m worried now that it hurts but it has to wait till next week. Again, keeping calm so that I am calm inside and outside. No point jumping about in worry and fear.
Just realised this is a very long blog. A few people have commented to me before about this, that I should sectionalise it and keep it short. Why should I? The blog is, first and foremost, for me, by me. Other bloggers have touched on this before in their own blogs, talking about how it all started and why they started, and whether or not, they worry that others will question their blogs.
Now it’s my turn.
I started this blog as a way to get stuff off my chest. My problems with my mom, my worries with work and career, my personal joys, trials, sufferings and wonderings with the world at large. My rants, my beliefs, my hopes and dreams. Mostly to chronicle myself. One day I will look back and say, ‘How silly was I?’, or ‘How much I have learnt’.
I do not cater to anyone’s whims and fancies. I do what I want to do, what I feel is right. I may be a cat who goes about her way by her self, but I do not harm others on my way. I am not perfect, nor do I think I will be ever. But I do my best to live humbly, honestly, and happily while I’m living on this earth.
So there.
*miaow*
posted by Jennirhiow @ 4:14 pm
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