Sunday, May 23, 2004

All alone

There comes a point in time when a woman knows when she is alone, utterly alone in her daily toils and trials. No amount of sympathy or condolences express can ease the burden or the knowledge that she still has her cross to bear.

All the kindred spirits and best friends and similar-condition persons can congregate and offer their verbal support and sympathies. But the fact of the matter is, the existing problem is hers and hers alone. That is why, it sometimes is meaningless to talk about, or share, what is wrong.

It is not out of desire to look like a martyr. No, I firmly protest. It is not to make the other person feel guilty or helpless. It is not to make them feel how proud and brave you are. It is not so that they can whisper behind your back and talk about how nobly you carry the weight or burden.

I, sincerely, honestly, candidly, protest that it is not all of the above.

What will talking about it do? What will moaning about it do? What will raging about it do? What will crying about it do?

Well, sometimes weeping silently does help ease the weight off the chest, when no one is around to see or hear.

While I haven't had the desire to do away with myself in a while now, it is not too far away from my mind always. Sometimes I can believe that is not the solution. Sometimes I don’t care. Even if it means that I will be reborn into another life as punishment and atonement for not appreciating the life that God bestowed on me, I don’t care, for it means I can escape the present one now.

But I haven't had that urge in a while... even though, it is usually my mother who triggers that emotion. I’ve taken a more philosophical approach. All this must be atonement for my past lives’ sins. I don’t know if my previous person was able to see past the pain and illogic, but I can today. And I hope I can be a better person at the end of my life.



Woke up to…: ‘Invisible’ by Clay Aiken
Reading: ‘By the Sword’ by Mercedes Lackey
Feeling: Sad...
Working on…: My mom’s digital camera
Which doesn’t seem to be able to take more than 20 pictures. Hence she brought it back for me to fix. Trying to figure out where the resolution command is.

posted by Jennirhiow @ 11:23 pm