I will not cry
I will not cry. I will not shed a tear. I refuse to waste a tear on a woman like that.Don't cry out loud,
Just keep it inside
And learn how to hide your feelings
I should be used to it, as my best friend A. says. But it never fails to hurt, it never fails to sting, each time the words come out from her mouth.
How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey... this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
"Because you’re my daughter I am not kicking you out of my life. Other people I don’t like, I will not have them in my life. This is the only reason you’re still living under this roof."
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Oh, I knew we were due for a ritual. It’s been peaceful for awhile now. So I kind of expected something to erupt.
Perhaps I’ve been too cold, too aloof, too obviously indifferent. Perhaps that’s why she would eventually find some bone to pick with me.
I try to remember, and feel, those times you said that no matter what, you still loved me. Then I believed you. Then I wanted to believe you, the conviction. But I know that no matter how hard I try, I cannot feel the conviction anymore. For I see the look in your eyes and I shudder at the hatred and anger. Am I so like my father? Do you see him in me?
But it wouldn't have made any difference,
If you loved me
How could you love me
When it wouldn't have made any difference,
If you loved me
You just did not love me
I try to remember that day, at the retreat, I made a conscious effort to put the darkness of such a failed affair aside, to try to move forward and to forgive and forget.
But I cannot. I can never forget what you did to me, all those years, what you still continue to do to me. I cannot forgive, but I will not be vengeful or bitter. That I can do. So the only way to handle it everytime it happens, is to be indifferent and distant. To remain sane, it is the only option I can take. I am sorry, but I cannot show much emotion around you, for you purposely misinterpret my every word and behaviour.
To speak is a sin
You look first, then stare
But you never truly see me as I am, but only a mirror reflection of the man you divorced, hated and still hate.
What do you want from me
I stand before you no attempt to leave
I'm too tired to disagree
In the end, I can only resign myself to fate.
To others the pain was obvious
The colours of shame a bruise - unjust
Abuse of trust can't be wiped
I can't remember why I chose to say goodbye
I'm terrified of what I might have severed
I tried to forget the drowning truth
Lashing at my sea of youth
Life seemed a fair sacrifice for peace
I can't remember why I chose to say goodbye
I'm terrified of what I might have severed
I ended up too high
But never learned to fly
So coming down I'm very thankful…
posted by Jennirhiow @ 1:27 am
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