I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give awayI’m beginning to wonder if half the time I have a ritual cold war with my mom is because I was spoiling for a fight…
I mean, I knew at the back and front of my mind that if I talk, if I made any expressions, if I was too particular over something, if I was too negligent, if I was too lazy, if I was too indifferent, that all these would trigger one off. But I can only hold my guard for that long.
So once in awhile, I let down my guard, because I was tired of being over-wary and frustrated for not being able to express my feelings. Which always lands me in trouble, because she cannot accept the things I feel and say, oft times. And I hate the fact that I always have to be the one to hold back.
When ‘Reflection’ came out, I felt the words resound in me. It was me.
Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
it's as if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
but I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight back at me
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
Only difference is, while Mulan was talking about hiding what she a girl can do, I am talking about me not being able to be the person that I really am, with my mom.
The happiest time of my life was when I was in Perth. There, I could be my own person. But even then, it was hard to come out of myself because I’ve been too conditioned to be who I am today. Wary, cynical, isolationist, lurker, masked.
Yes, little hawk. It is time to fly.
Woke up to…: ‘Where do broken hearts go’ by Whitney Houston
Feeling: Reflecting inwards, trying to figure out who I am
Going to…: Sign up for Bon Odori