My own conversation with God
I finished the photoshoot rather early at approx 5pm. I didn’t intend to go back into the office as I had a 6.30pm appt with a friend about a project that sounded like ‘good money’, as my dear friend H. says. So as I headed out, I thought of dropping by the church for awhile, as it was on the way out, and sit awhile to ponder on some of the things that was going on in my life, with the idea that my mind might be clearer in the Lord’s house.It started pouring just as I got out of the car and I ran for the church. There were only a few people. I knew there was a mass at 6pm, but I wasn’t interested in mass. I just wanted to contemplate my life at this juncture.
And I don’t know if I was having an actual conversation, but it felt good and calming. Perhaps like this hypnotist said before to me, “We are all capable of self-hypnotising. Some just shift into a trance more easily than others. Some don’t even know they are doing it. But you are self-hypnotising daily.”
I crossed myself and kneeled at the pew.
Hi Lord. I’m sorry I didn’t come to church on Sunday. I had a freaking headache and I didn’t want to go to A’s birthday lunch with a pain in the head and suffer through church and it. You know how much I hate pain. And personally I was tired and glad to rest at home. I’m tired.
I’m tired of working. I don’t know what I’m going anymore. But actually I shouldn’t be tired. I just am. And I… I’m just tired.
:Then why don’t you sit down?:
I tilted my head one side and thought about it. Oh. Okay. Right. And I sat down and settled myself as comfortably as I could on the hard bench, for I knew I was gonna be there for awhile.
:Alright. What do you want to do with your life?:
I mentally sputtered.
I want to be free to do the things I want, of course. I want to life where I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want. I don’t want a life where I have to control and restrain myself around my mom. I want to have career satisfaction. I want to be able to find happiness in things around me.
:Are you happy where you are now?:
I don’t know…
:Why don’t you know?:
I… I really don’t know what to say, where to tell you. I’m just a mess inside. And I’m just sometimes not bothered to go into all the hoo-hah… I hate to talk about it sometimes.
:Doesn’t matter. You know you are in my house now. Did you not know that you are to unburden yourself of all your troubles and worries at my door? Whose door could you do that to if not mine?:
Er…
:You are here. Unburden. And when you leave, leave it behind. I will take care of it.:
Feeling more assured and certainly more at ease at mind, I ‘let it go’.
Alright. I just the uppermost worry if whether or not I will be able to find a job in Australia. I certainly didn’t expect Blur to be against it now. And the money. And my career here, where am I going, why am I feeling down and demoralised at work. And the loneliness of being single… and I cannot recall the exact things I said in my mind to God. I basically ranted on and on, telling Him in detail about all my worries and fears. Now and then, I tentatively ‘checked’ whether or not I was being boring and long-winded about my ranting, but I swear I only felt reassurance and silent prompting to carry on. So I did, with no interruptions. And I finally stopped. By this time, I was conscious of being in a semi trance-like state. I didn’t doze off at all, but was totally aware in this dreamy state.
:Ok. First thing first, your job. You are now at a point where you have to accept whatever comes your way. Take it. And don’t care whether you are going somewhere with it or not. Don’t care about the future or the past. Live in the present. At the moment you are not happy with your work. That is something you can control. Go think about it. You can do something about it.
Okay, okay. I will try my best. I know I shouldn’t be complacent and I have been lately.
:Good. Second, money. People are always looking out for money. You know you can cut down on expenses. Be more conscious of this. And you know you can do translations. Just save whatever you can. Perhaps this project will help you a little.
I nodded my head mentally.
:Your cousin has a point. It isn't easy. But you knew that long ago. Nevertheless, that isn't going to stop you from trying to get work there, yes?:
Nope.
:Then carry on as you are. And you know you just have to be more careful about the way you talk to your mom. Just be more alert. About the loneliness…:
Yes? Why the pause?
:People come and go. Some are lucky, some are not. Some deal with it better, some don’t. Some are meant to be, some are not. But whatever it is, time will tell. Meanwhile, in order to cope, if you are feeling that you will avoid romance novels from now on because it makes you depress, then avoid it. You do what you need to hang on. But always bear in mind that I have all things in control, and for a reason. Okay?:
I was quiet for awhile. Then I felt a nudge.
:I am always here. You forget that you are supposed to trust in me and to leave all your daily toils and troubles in my hands.:
Yes, I know. I felt ashamed because I had not been praying daily and I only talked to Him when I’m particularly down. By this time I was already slowly sliding back into the conscious state.
:Then carry on, my dear. Ah… it’s rosary time. You know that you should be talking more to Mother now, don’t you?:
Yes, Lord.
And I felt calmer and more at peace when I stepped out the church. The rain had stopped. The air felt clean and despite the rain, the traffic didn’t seem frantic. Everything seemed to me, to take on a more peaceful layer. And I really did leave everything at His house. I just realised it now that I’m safe at home, after a shower, glad of a good piece of news of this project, that will set me up nicely in savings.
The ‘conversation’ was more or less in that sequence. Certainly His replies were much more profound and meaningful. I can only simplify his words from memory (or lack of one for me!). But the most important thing is this feeling of unburdening of the heart… it’s so much lighter.
posted by Jennirhiow @ 1:26 am
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