Yoyo
My emotions is a fucking yoyo right now. It tends to be that way after an emotional episode of the heart.I’m very angry and very depressed over the fact that at the end of the day I’m all alone, weighted down with financial problems, career uncertainty and personal internal conflict.
I guess everything all boils down to financial worries. I need money. But who doesn’t? Yet I always feel that I am in the most need compared to others.
Tonight we’ve having dinner with a few close friends cos it’s one of us’s birthdays. And I’m planning to treat. Via credit card. And it’s depressing because the person who is earning the most is clamouring for me to give the treat. Which I will, by virtue that I owe the gang one meal, and I’ve stood up the gang one too many times. So it’s time to pay off. And it’s my best friend’s birthday.
But I’m more pissed with this person who earns more because after all his bills and whatnot, he still has RM1800 to play with, which would most likely go to beer, cigarettes and food. Whereas I have only about RM200, if I’m lucky it’ll be RM400, which is not lucky anyway, because that means I have shortchanged one or two of my obligations and bills. So the debt piles up and the circle starts all over again and it never ends. And yet he bitches about how he doesn’t have money and how he cannot find another job that pays him well or better than what he is getting now. Sometimes I just wanna bitch-slap him.
And I’m seriously considering prostituting myself. Which is stupid, foolish and just plain stupid.
Had one of my white nights two nights ago and I sms-ed this person because he said he knew people. And when he incredulously asked if I was serious, I didn’t reply. I could say I was almost ashamed. But I’m at a point right now where I don’t fucking care. The world is a cruel and harsh and realistic world. Money talks. Money pays bills. Money ensures that food is ample and futures are secure.
I didn’t reply because I still cannot overcome the one thing that is stopping me from prostituting myself. My principles. Or maybe it’s just my sense of self-love.
Someone told me long ago that if a person still has yet to experience love, it’s because they don’t know how to love themselves. Maybe. I don’t know. Ask me if I love myself and I cannot answer because, I still don’t know how to love myself. Perhaps this inability to go forth and pursue that avenue is because I have an inept sense of self-love. I don’t know.
posted by Jennirhiow @ 9:46 am
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