The life in-between
Sometimes I feel like I am living in perpetual in-between, with no sight of the horizon or the bend in the road.Some people are feeling the blues at this time because they have no one to share the Christmas hols with, and no one to share the incoming new year with…
Got news for all you buds… I never had any, ever.
Some people ask me what’s my new year resolution. But I never really bothered having any… don’t know why really… maybe it’s because it’s useless to have them at the beginning of the year, when it could happen at any time? Sorta like Valentine’s Day. Why only buy two dozen roses on 14 Feb, when you should be doing it whenever, impulsively, compulsively and surprisingly? And why pay double the price of a dinner when you could sweep your loved one’s feet off anytime at more reasonable prices, and at more relaxing timings, I mean, do you want to line up to queue to have dinner or have to be shooed out of the diner when you’re just done, to make way for other couples? And do you really to pay RM10 for a stalk of rose?
I’m not bitter. I’m not saying that because of sour grapes. It just doesn’t make sense. And totally unnecessary. I mean, don’t tell me on other days you don’t think about improving yourself, you don’t think of trying to be a better person, you don’t think about your loved one and just do something for them without needing a date to remind to do so?
… what was I talking about again? Oh, resolutions, no, wait, life in-between, yeah… ok.
I guess I do feel the blues like everyone else in between. But being a Scorpio, it’s dangerous to dwell too much on negative things. I get destructive. And then I know I’ll just trigger an unhappy ritual war with my mom. Have to control. Have to be cool, be calm, be… what is this?? A Desiree singalong?!! What the fuck!?
Ok… calm, Jenn… breathe deep…
I’ve not been sleeping well for the past month. Probably a combination of worry of things happening at work and my uncertainties of whether or not to switch jobs, and also been unhappy with myself… always thought that there is always room to have a more happening life, always room for more exercising, always room for giving more time to my family and friends, always for improving some skill, always something missing…
And no… I don’t think that I’d find fulfillment in religion… how to say this…
There have been a few people who say that I can find fulfillment in God, that God is everything, that as long as you have God, you don’t need anything.
I don’t know… I haven’t come to that stage yet…
I only know that I am very unhappy now; very confused, very lost, very aimless, very scared of the future, and still very unhappy…
I think my life, since I was born, has been a perpetual state of in-between.
posted by Jennirhiow @ 8:34 pm
<< Home