Differences and Pretences
I’m disturbed… but this is something that I cannot do anything about.If my aunt asked me to help, to intervene, or to… advice my cousin, I would be hard-pressed to answer with any desirable suggestions, or words of consolation.
Much as I would like to be on my aunt’s or uncle’s side, much as I sympathise with their situation, I’m afraid I would only be able to say that, what you have today is the result of what was sowed right from conception, and for that, you can only have yourself to blame.
I cannot claim to know or say that what they did as parents were wrong. I don’t believe anyone has the right to say that. I can only say that what they did as parents, forged the man, the son, that they see in front of them today. Or rather, the lack of seeing, or hear today.
My cousin is a stubborn and pigheaded man. When you’re nearly 30 and have been slung around three different countries and systems, and still live with your parents, you tend to get short-tempered and angry with the people who dragged you around.
"Your aunt called on CNY. She’s very unhappy."
"Is it? What happened?" I know what happened. It’s always about my cousin. Much as I love him, talking about him is not my favourite topic with my mom.
"I don’t understand why he’s acting the way he is. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to them, don’t want to tell them what he’s doing. He’s just not close to them."
And you think we are, mother? You only think we are because I let you think we are. That’s the difference between me and him. I let you think what you want to think, while he doesn’t care that he knows you know and he doesn’t pretend to appear things are fine. Probably the only reason he’s daring enough to appear totally unhappy with his parents is because he’s a guy. They don’t care. Girls are different. They’re more ‘let’s pretend all’s well and life will go on la-di-da’.
Well, fuck that.
I don’t blame him at all for behaving the way he is. Angry, sulky, ‘leave-me-alone-and-I’ll-leave-you-alone’, rebellious, ‘I’ve-listened-to-you-most-of-my-life-but-you-have-managed-to-fuck-up-my life-so-I-don’t-wanna-listen-to-you-anymore-and-I’m-living-my-life-the-way-I-think-it-should-be’. Oh, he manages to pretend like I do in short bursts of time. But not for long. Only difference between me and him is that he has the luxury of indulging in his relapses.
I feel sorry for my aunt and uncle. I imagine that they realise the mistakes they made. But I guess they’re incapable of adequately expressing their sorry, nor are they able to convince him, because the pain, anger and disappointment is too deep. Too deep.
Mine is deep too. But I can pretend better than he.
posted by Jennirhiow @ 2:43 am
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