I’m ready to crash
My father says that he will give me the monies from the sale of the car, which might not even be sold off in time before I leave... that's my worry.... also I cannot get anything from the apartment yet becos it is not completed yet.My mom is not sleeping well too... she sleeps earlier than me, around 10pm, but finds herself awake at 2am and can't sleep deep after that... she's been tired and worried over when she's going to start job again and whether or not she can find time for my brother....
Another worry that’s been causing me sleepless nights is that the editor of the magazine I spoke to about contributing articles when I’m in Melb has resigned. I heard the rumour and when she didn't call me, I called her. Couldn’t get her for a week, but she did finally call me back and confirmed that she was leaving, and that she wouldn’t be able to confirm my deal with the mag now, that I would need to reestablish connection with the new editor once installed... she gave me an email of a current writer inside, so that I can contact him later, but she said that she will mention to this writer of our conversation and plans.
Ah well... I believe everything will fall in place. But sometimes I will be struck with moments of doubt, moments of fear of the unknown. Then sometimes I’ll be fearless... So what if I have no money?!! So what if I haven’t gotten a job?!!! People have been in worst situations than me!!
But then my mom will keep asking, 'Have you saved any money?', 'Is your father going to give you money?’ And my aunt over in Melb asked me that a few days ago again!!
I am terrified of those 2 questions because the answer is always in the negative… and she continues to have the notion that I should have money (I know – my fault for not saving properly) and that my father should be giving me money.
How to tell her that (a) I shouldn’t expect money from my parents for my migration, (b) that my father will not have the funds for me?
I’m not doing so well mentally...... I begin to understand why that gurl committed suicide a month before her migration... when the mind is pushed to the extreme, it cannot tolerate the pressure...
But I’m not suicidal… I’m not sleeping well, yes, but I’m okay. I have to be. I refuse to be like that gurl… I wish I could sleep deep… but not the eternal sleep… Yes, it doesn’t help that I’m lonely… that I have no one to call for support, prep talk, strength, courage…
Railings, beams, handles, ropes, even that straw that broke that poor camels back... that's all I need...
posted by Jennirhiow @ 6:27 pm
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