On a night like this...... you begin to think too much.
I’ve been in a mixed emotions of sorts. In the past, I couldn’t quite control my emotions, very easily I succumb to despair and then I’ll be pit-deep in depression.
This time it's different.. like an eccentric auntie who knows that everyone avoids her, but still she likes to call up her relatives to find out how they are, kaypo, not really caring if one of them takes pity on her to offer to house her for the weekend or holiday, yet still lingers around the supermarket, the other relative's dinner gathering, on the other end of the phone ringing persistently.....
I guess after all that I’ve said above (which you probably dun understand at all, neither do I sometimes) is that I’m desperately lonely, afraid and tired.
Loneliness hits every now and then. Not so hard this time, but still hard to miss.
Been thinking of the people whom I would hate to not be able to talk to ... to hug.... I have a handful., but they're not around.... one's gone gallivanting to Afghanistan, one's gone hibernating in Canada, one's somewhere around in KL but elusive, one's enjoying in Melbourne, one's working her ass off somewhere in KL, one's all the way in spore juggling work and family and marriage, one's a bastard who's never really allowed me to come close in KL, one's somewhere in the world but not within my realm.... this last one is the one my soul yearns and keens for….
Times like this I wish I really had a cat whom I could grab and hug and cuddle whenever I’m hit with this mood. At the moment I can only hug Pierre… but he’s only a stuff cat… wish he were a real, warm cat…. Did I know I’d be like this when I was but a pre-teen who was scorning companionship? No, I didn’t. Ironic that I would look back and reflect on my ignorance…
I had a mild reflective and contemplative moment while I was up in Maxwell Hill… it was really like Perth during winter and I just sat on the bench outside the house and daydreamed of a life up in the peaceful and cool mountains, with mist swirling around and the birds and monkeys calling out to each other. With the huge boulders and tall trees standing around, I’d really felt as if I was in the ‘other realm’.
I haven’t spoken of my hike up Maxwell Hill because I wanted the photos together to narrate it. It was a great experience. Fun, ‘relaxing’ in another sort of way, and good for the soul who loves contemplating. I also felt that it reaffirmed my belief that we are not alone in this world. There really are other ‘things’ with us. I guess the recent experience with the spirit has made me somber as well… though God knows why.