I am not ok
"R u ok?" my senior writer smsed me.No, I am not. For as long as I am living here, I will not be okay.
The day after my cousin went back to Spore, she went back to being glacial, and then to silence. I expected it, yet not. I just didn’t observe the exact moment that she changed. But I was not surprised that she had.
When she didn’t answer my morning greeting twice, I knew the silent ritual was on full blast. Tonight I tried to talk to her again.
"I don’t want your crap. If you think you want to have fun, you move out. You don’t stay out till so late and then drive all the way back at that unearthly hour. You make me worried and I don’t want to stay up so late waiting for you."
"I’m sorry. I promise I won’t do it again."
"You move out. I don’t want you around. You should know by now, and you are not stupid like your father, that when I said things I mean it."
"Please don’t. I promise that I won’t stay out so late again. I’m sorry I worried you. It won’t happen again."
"I hate lies. You don’t tell me lies anymore."
"I’m not lying. I promise I won’t do it again. I’m sorry."
"Or, another way to do it is, you don’t come back that night. If you want to stay up so late, you sleep over. You don’t come back for that night."
"I promise, I won’t do it again. But if I am staying out that late, I will call you and inform you that I’ll sleep over."
"I don’t want you to call me. And I don’t want lies. If you think you want to stay so late, you move out."
"Please forgive me, I’m sorry…"
"I don’t want to hear your sorry sorry. I’m fed up of it. I’m trying to think of a solution here instead of hearing you said sorry all the time. At least you sleep over."
"I promise I won’t do it again. If I do stay that late, I will then inform you and stay over."
"Don’t make me scream! I don’t want to see you or hear your voice! I’m telling you that you can either move out or stay over for that night!"
* * *
A radio station’s topic in the evening yesterday was this…
"I love my brother/sister, but……."
… and listeners were invited to call in to fill in the blanks.
I wanted to, but couldn’t get through the line. So I’ll just say it here.
I love my brother, but I wish he were normal. Because if he were normal, chances are that my mother wouldn’t be as ballistic on me as the present, and that even if there were moments of these incidents happening, my brother would help to ease the situation between me and her, even though he is the younger one.
It’s not my brother’s fault, I know, but there were so many, many times, when my mother would say things like, "If your brother were normal, he would ten times better than you!", and I would so angry, and wish, so wish, that he WERE normal, that he could be with me in mind and spirit, to support me whenever these things happen, or who knows, that even these things won’t even happen!
I mean, is it that difficult to tell me in gentler words, that I should call her and inform her, or that why not I just sleep overnight, instead of driving back late? I mean, I know you hate my father, but is it that difficult to, just say, "Sleep over. Don’t drive back. Next time do that"? Is that so hard to do? Do you have to go all ballistic and say I should move out and start a cold war?? For what purpose?
I know you are a mother and you were worried, but I believe, or I’d like to believe that, if I were in your position, my daughter would feel better if I did it a gentler way? And for Christ’s sake, I am over 28 years old!!!
For as long as I live, I will never understand why you are the way you are and why you do these things to me… never…
I am having a hard enough time at work. I don’t need anything from the homefront to complicate things. And I certainly need my mother to be more understand in all manners. Do you not understand that every time you do this, you devastate me?
posted by Jennirhiow @ 2:15 am
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