Corners of Jennirhiow's Mind

News from Ke'chara

I am hanging on by a rope, but my hands can only hold on that long. What helped is the farewell lunch for my colleague… although that didn’t sound exactly right… cos once she goes, I’ll be alone in this dingy company, with no more old colleagues… everyone’s new now.

Well, the lunch was good, she cooked chicken curry, mutton curry and fish curry, and papadum; everything was good. One colleague bought a cheese cake, yum, and another bought a banana chocolate cake, yucks! One made a fruit salad, delish! The management bought yam cake, cheapskates! I made jelly.

It was good eating. Had some laughs. Released a little tension, before going to generate more. After all, the magazine is not done yet!!

Another plus was receiving an email from my ke’chara. Finally. After so long of never having any news for him. And the best part is, he got laid!!! Finally! Woo-hoo!!!

Actually his first email was very short, only saying that the latest developments was that he got laid with a black guy, but that’s for another day to tell. And I wrote back and gave him a nice scolding and ordered him to dish!

And he wrote back. I was delighted to learn that in spite of him not feeling that there was a potential relationship, they were still friends. I’m extremely happy that he finally got laid and further more, that it was a great experience! In his words, not bad for a first time.

Ke’chara has a special place in my heart. Although I cannot say that I knew that would have happened from the first moment I met him. But I knew he was different the first time I laid eyes on him. Only later, I realised, that he was gay. Since then, my gaydar was triggered, and have been accurate 90% of the time.

We related because we found we loved all things fantasy. In fact, we found out when he bumped into me writing my fantasy story in the computer lab, during the holidays. Those days, we still go to the computer lab, even during the semester breaks. To surf the Net. For me, it was some sort of escape from my mom and also to write my stories. And to chat on IRC! Sigh... those were the days. And when he saw me writing, he insisted on reading what I had written. When he finished, his eyes had a gleam and I never knew such joy of finding a kindred spirit in the least unlikely place of all – in my writings.

It was this that tipped me off about his sexuality. You see, I was writing a lesbian story. Where I came up with this story is for another day to tell.

But he was fascinated with the world I had written and after talking and sharing, and he did mention that he was interested in the topic of homosexuality, I suspected that he was gay. But since we didn’t know each other well then, he didn’t confess and I didn’t push for confirmation. And we went on talking about expanding on other angles for the story and got to agree to co-write it.

As the first semester ended, I was even more sure of his sexuality. But he still didn’t mention anything. I think it was in the second or third semester that he pulled me aside with a very earnest look, that he told me he wanted to tell me something, that he told me that he was gay.

I think he was afraid of admitting, and afraid of the reception of his fellow college mates, because he wanted to come out of the closet, and by that time, we were almost inseparable in college because we found so much in common and we genuinely loved each other’s company, to the point where other classmates were asking if we were lovers, but we always said no, just good friends. And we were never afraid of the other party misunderstanding each other, like ‘I thought you and I were an item’ kind of thing.

My only expression was to throw my arms around him and hug him tightly for being so brave and for seeing me as a close enough friend to admit his sexuality to. For I’d come to appreciate his humour, his wit, his intelligence, his compassion, his warmth and his dreams. He wasn’t pretentious, or arrogant. And he was special in that, he knew and understood certain things that most people wouldn’t.

We had a few differences as we reached the end of our uni years, while being involved with some projects. But I still loved him. No matter that he hurt me and he disappointed me in a few areas, I never stopped loving him. I had to take a few steps back and stay away from him for a while. But I still loved him, and forgave him. There was once we didn’t speak for almost… a year or less, having told myself that I will not speak to him. I was so angry with him. And yet when he started to communicate with me again, I couldn’t ignore my heart’s loud answering call.

There were times when I would just wake up and have this overwhelming love spilling from my heart for him, that I got frightened. ‘Jenn, what is this? How can this be? Why does it hurt when all I can feel is this immeasurable love for him? God, how do I bear it?’

I still cannot answer this. I imagine I will experience this brimming love till the day I die and still have no answer to this puzzle.

I remember everything; the good times and the bad times.

I remember crying in his arms when I had a sudden panic attack in Perth. I was struck mute, and the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. When my roommate and best friend A. frantically called him to see me, I still couldn’t tell anyone what was wrong with me, but he stayed with me for a long while, trying to console me and to get me to quiet down.

I remember clubbing in KL - Viva, Bali; in Perth - Post Office, Soul City, Metropolitan. We would compliment on each other’s outfit and check out all the good-looking lads on the dance floor.

I remember late nights at Fast Eddy’s – him smoking, me drinking Irish coffee, with the cold sharp winds slapping at my face, just so because he could smoke outside. The Irish coffee, latte, Flat White, hot chocolate and Big Boy.

I remember going out to catch movies and plays. Heading out to North Bridge on late night Thursday shopping and then afterwards, swinging by a few bars.

I remember the problems we faced when we tried to get his play out. The publicity, poster, postcards, programme and logistics of the whole thing. The wrong assumption that we would drop everything including uni assignments to work on his play. The negligent way he handled some of his friends who worked their ass off for him.

I remember many many other things. I even had some dreams about him before. But sometimes, we choose to forget and focus on the good ones.

And I still cannot ignore the fact, that I still love him, despite everything else.

This is my ke’chara.

posted by Jennirhiow @ 2:19 am