Thursday, July 01, 2004

My life is an obstacle course

I’ve been seriously thinking that my life is an obstacle course.

I lost a writer. True, I rejoiced in it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t need a new one, or that I am able to get one in a jiffy on my own. And I definitely don’t think that I can handle the entire magazine on my own.

Now, I would appreciate some help. From? Well, my management, for one. It would be nice, even logical, if they just put up a bloody 2-inch by 2-inch ad in the Classifieds section.

But do they do that?

Noooo! Heaven forbid, because it costs money. Well, duh!!!

All they did was to tell a (stupid) college that we are looking for junior writers. And they expect me to find one on my own. Sure. My new title should be 'Miracle maker'.

My colleagues. It would be nice if they didn’t look at me, as though I’m not doing my job. I am!!! I just have 2 hands, 1 brain and a lousy computer.

My marketing manager. It would be nice if she didn’t think that I am superwoman and that I can handle the magazine and promotions, at the same time. And worst of all, she has recently come up with a ‘brilliant’ plan of a health ‘carnival’ that looks to take up lots of time, energy and brain cells to make it a reality.

And why is it worst, I say? Because she wants me to help her work on the PUBLIC RELATIONS part of this health carnival, in addition to writing up her sponsors’ advertorials and articles!

And why did she come up with this wonderful idea that I should help? Because I was working in a PUBLIC RELATIONS FIRM before.

And her logic? She gets to save on hiring PR to work on publicity for us.

What am I? Stupid? Bangladeshi worker? Chinese coolie? Indonesian maid?

Can anyone understand why I’m fuming? And I am literally fuming, as can be seen on my face that is full of breakouts and dry patches now.

Another reason why my life is so upheaval is that my mom wants to play tagalong wherever I go, if it’s not work-based.

Why? Because it’s not safe.

Well, duh!!! Nowhere’s safe!!! Rapists, murderers, thieves, terrorists are everywhere? How safe can ‘safe’ be? Should I then stay at home all my life? If you gotta go, you gotta go! No two ways about it.

I need to work on a plan for my going over to Australia next year, but I don’t know where and what I should be doing first.

I don’t know which part I want to go – Melbourne, Sydney or the Alice Springs.

I don’t know if I can save enough money to go over. Been thinking of prostituting myself for some time now.

I don’t know if I can get a decent job of my desired field when I go over, or work odd jobs.

I don’t know if I can create a decent life there for myself, much more for my brother.

And speaking of my brother, I don’t know what to do for him.

I don’t know if I should let him stay on in Malaysia, where it’s ‘safe’, or I should take a chance and get him sponsored over there.

I don’t know what kind of lifestyle of job will make itself known to him, if I take him over to Australia.

I don’t know if he can adjust to the life and people over there. or whether he will feel that Malaysia is what’s most comfortable.

Another more pressing matter on my mind is my mom’s latest occupation with the idea of renting out one room of our apartment when I’m gone, so that she can get some form of money every month out of the rent.

She is also thinking that it would be good to have another person in the house besides just the two of them.

She also feels that my brother won’t feel so lonely when I’m not around. And if anything should arise, there is another person to handle things, when my mom cannot.

Which is probably indirectly saying that when she is ‘no longer around’.

Gods, I wish I was a single child, sometimes.

And Gods, I wish I wasn’t born.

I had, or rather, still have, dreams of a life that is beyond worries of these matters.

Very selfish, I know.

Very.

Sigh. Just as well I’m going for a retreat this weekend. It’ll give me an opportunity to clear my muddled head and try to see a clear path to all these worries. Work, home, personal.

So many crossroads. So many bumps. So many blind spots. So many, many signs.

But I don’t really know what to do.

Wish I had a crystal ball to gaze into.

posted by Jennirhiow @ 4:32 pm