New leaf of lifeI finally found the time to sit and to update my blog. Sorry, people. I needed the time to get a better grip on the changes I’ve felt inside of me, since the Soul Retreat. And I didn’t have the time and presence of mind to do anything, because there was so much work to be done the last week due to the Popular Ikano subscription drive.
Yeap, lots of updates. Here we go.
New blog look
Lighter, fresher and more pleasant than the previous one. Besides, it’s blue! My favourite. The reason I’ve changed it is to commemorate the new and improved changes in myself after the Soul Retreat. I felt it fitting. After all, it’s like a fresh start to a whole new way of leading life.
I do resolve to close the door to my pain and begin to be happier and to continue to make sure that others around me are happier. For this, I have Shahreen to thank. I’ve always thought that I needed a shrink or a psychiatrist to work me for say, I don’t know, at least two to three years before I am able to let go of the pain of the past.
Shahreen asked me a very important question which I never thought to ask myself. Can’t exactly remember the words she used, but they were along the lines of “If you had a choice, how long do you want to hang on to the pain, before letting go?” I answered with no hesitation, “No longer.”
And it is amazing how simple a question it was, that it was the crucial thing to ask, which had me thinking later, ‘Why didn’t I think that way before?’
Perhaps people are suckers for pain, sometimes. They are so engrossed in the trauma, the pain, the wound, that they can’t see past it to the simple and only important crux of it all – How long would you want to hang on to the pain?
Naturally, no one would want to hold on to any pain. Why torture oneself like that? Yet later, I did think to myself and wonder, why didn’t I say, ‘When she has apologised to me.’? Perhaps, deep down, I knew that such a fantastic thing would never occur, so why wait for such an event to come. If that’s so, why hang on? Why not let go?
Hence, that question was the thing that made me decide that I will not let my mother control my life in that manner anymore. Sure, the problem is still there. She will always be the way she is at this age. The only thing I should focus on, is the way I behave and change my attitude. As the saying goes, ‘If you want to change others, change yourself first.’
That very Sunday night, when I returned home after the last day of the Soul Retreat, I had a driving need to reach out and touch my mother and somehow start afresh. I debated the whole drive home, on whether or not I should just maintain silence and work it within me. But that night when we were all preparing for bed, I knew that I needed closure of a sort, to be able to begin a new lease of life.
So when she was already in bed, I asked if I could hug her. And though she was surprised, she agreed and I held on and asked her to forgive me for not saying how much I appreciated the things she had done for me and the sacrifices she had made for me, and there were many. I cried and told her that though I didn’t say it enough, I do love her.
I guess I was trying to rekindle the love a daughter should have for her mother. The truth is, I’ve felt it banked a long, long time ago. Perhaps in time, it will rekindle into a burning fire. But for now, it was enough for me to have assured her that no matter what, I am still her daughter, who is eternally grateful for the sacrifices and love that only a mother could give to her children.
My feelings are lighter, more hopeful. After all, I’m still young, I’m going away to Australia next year, I will be away from this pathetic place and in the place where I long to be, my ke’chara is there, my beloved cousin is there, my favourite aunt is there, my best friend will be with me so I won’t feel so lonely and scared. What more could a gurl ask for?
I still expect some down times, due to work, as I am swamped with work and feel quite tired that I’m working the magazine content alone with no chance to breathe in between. But I refused to let it pull me deep down. Work isn't everything, I realise. Stress is a horrid thing to experience, because it affects health so much. And I feel it affecting me – me who used to scorn the concept of ‘stress’. Now I’m not so hasty to do so.
Though work is necessary to survive, I will not live my life like a dog working till ungodly hours to bring home the bread. No. Life is more than that.
That was why I sms-ed my friends to have dinner on a Monday night in KLCC, which was something that I and they don’t really indulge in or find we have the luxury to do. But we made it. We had dinner. We window shopped. Or rather I shopped! And spent over RM80 on books, and RM100 on shoes. Well, I’m a sucker for books and I needed new shoes! I will suffer next month when the bill comes, but, what the heck!
I just shaved tonight, so for the next three to four days I will be wearing skirts. I so seldom wear them. A lifetime conditioning of pants since young. That’s another thing that I need to break out of. So all in all, I say that changes are good!