Friday, September 19, 2003

The world is so beautiful

Today I looked out the window and thought for awhile, that the world was beautiful.

It struck me between the eyes like a mild blow, for I had been melancholy and down the day before; crying and weeping on the kitchen floor, with no solace found even in the silence that surrounded me.

I wept for the times I had God slap me in the face with his brutal sense of humour. I wept for the times – countless – that I thought Fate had defeated his cruel deal of cards for me but only to be resigned to Fate that it wasn’t possible. I wept for the many times when I let slip Opportunity in the face of Obligation, for the things I wanted to do but could not indulge in.

I wept out of fear that I will become a person I don’t want to be.

I rained today, this morning actually. I looked out the window and felt a clean freshness in the air and felt it signalled something similar in my life. Was I too naïve to think that?

A little drizzle maintained. The grass were wet and green and the trees gleamed in the light sun rays, for the rain clouds hid the sun yet in layers. The air seemed empty of those noxious traffic sounds now. And it felt like the world was basking in this cool and blessed state for awhile before it had to return to normal.

Why couldn’t this be normal?

I sit and listen to Coldplay in the background. Was I experiencing a rush of blood to the head?

I wish I could capture this moment and keep it somewhere safe, to bring out only when I need it desperately to bring myself out of my despair, to stop the inevitable fall into oblivion, to keep close to my heart and ease the pain inside my soul.

All too soon I must get up to face the world. All too soon I must close the curtains on this seeming perfect scene and return to my harsh reality, to convention and obligation.

I don’t hate God. How dare I? I only wish He would have pity on me and allow me a measure of peace and serenity. I wish He didn’t think I needed so many tests and trials to prove my mettle.

But for now I’m happy with this picture in front of me. so I shall sit and enjoy it while it lasts and while I can still afford 10 minutes before leaving for work.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

What is this thing called love?

What is love?

What is love but a bitter memory of a loved one? What is love but the feeling of something once good, now gone.

I long for a kind of love that transcends the definition of love. A love that hath no boundaries, no tangible body, no understanding.

I am naïve. I seek something that is bestowed on the scarcest of lucky souls.

I don not know why I am not privileged. I don not know why when it seemed when I am offered a love of another equally beautiful thing, that it is taken away from me.

I dare not give my heart for I fear it being snatched from me. I dare not reach for something because somehow I know, I would not be able to hold it in my arms for long.

I fear that God is trying to teach me a lesson I’ve refused to learn. That what I desire to hold cannot be given to me. That I am destined to be alone, never to be with another, or accorded a privilege to be surrounded by love.

I lost Cookie. I nearly gave my heart away. I could have. I would have, had I not known it would inevitably happen. But given another opportunity, would I be the one to let go, instead of being refused?

I fear being the one to give it up.