Close the door together
X: (sits beside me) so what do we do now?
Me: what do you mean ‘we’? I wash my hands off the matter.
X: you can’t! dun do this to me.
Me: I tried to help, but I get shot down, get the door slammed in my face.
X: I know. I told her that she’s unnecessarily slamming doors in clients’ face.
Me: precisely! I opened the door and I’m already inside. Now she tells me that I have to come out! Do you know how embarrassing that is?
X: I know. I know.
Me: I mean, I had the pr beside me. it was almost 100% 'go'! Now I have to tell her 'no'? I’m not doing it! You do it.
X: So how about we walk through the door together.
Me: I’m not walking anymore especially after what that woman said.
X: well, I still need you to open doors for me.
Me: I ain’t doing it anymore. You open the doors yourself.
X: dun abandon me. Open the door for me.
Me: ok, what I’ll do is give you the key. You open the door yourself. Ok? Then you close the door yourself.
X: dun lah. Ok, u open the door for me. I’ll walk in and negotiate. Then we close the door together, ok?
Me: hmph.
X: got no choice cos that woman is like that...
Don’t mind us. The walls have ears. And so we resort to silly substitutes.
You make me sick
As I predicted last week, that moronic woman came to me, well she made me walk to her cubicle, and asked me if I had spoken to the client directly or to the PR person about the promo.
I’m thinking in my head, ‘What, you blind or stupid? Didn’t my email state everything clearly?’
So I told her again that it was the PR, and that she was supposed to confirm with me today.
Then that moron goes saying, “Well, in that case, we don’t have a choice really. It has already been spoken of and it’s hard to back out now. So I guess we’ll have to pursue the promo. I’ll get XX to work on it.”And she looks on me, as if expecting me to say I’d do the follow up.
See. There she goes again. Dumping work on other people, last minute, and what does she do in the end?
“Ok. I already gave the contact to you. You follow-up.”
I think I’ve never met a more sickening person in the workplace. Really.
You call yourself a marketing manager? My ass!
Been rather busy with work. Because we are trying to close the mag before CNY. So have to arrange interviews with some health experts and source for replacement of this idiotic writer who told me on the deadline that she couldn’t write one article for me after all. "Sorry." I’m like… excuse me, this is the second time you’re doing this to me!
And this morning just before I had to go out for my interview with the pharmacist, my stupid MM had to be moronic and idiotic.
See. I had seen the PR who wanted to propose an article for one client, and had another proposal for another client to join the mag for a promotion. Which is great, after all, the client was asking us themselves; that showed real interest.
So I happily told her, ‘Great, I shall forward you the formal letter that explains the mechanics to doing a promotion in our mag.’ And I head back into the office to inform my editor and the MM about the conversation. Yesterday.
And this morning, I had to read her email, saying,
"J, it’s good that you are helping us, however, we have some concerns. We don’t want to give free pages, we want them to PAY $$ to come into our mag. I understand that they have a big budget and so shall push them to come in with Ads, not free promo pages. But thank you for helping us source promos, please give us the contact, and we shall follow-up, and keep you in the loop."
I’m like… Hello! Client willing to give FREE products to readers, so ACCEPT the promo!!? And besides, the deadline for promos on your marketing side is fast approaching and we still have nothing!!
I was so pissed. Wait, still am. But looking at it in another perspective now, of course. SHE thinks that they have budget, they are willing to spend.
Well, if I can find out that they are not interested in going into magazines with Ads, what makes you think that YOU can make them come in?! If I, the writer, who doesn’t go out to look for sales, can find out that they are NOT doing any Ads, with ANY mags… why don’t you, the MARKETING MANAGER, know that they are not going to come with Ads, so accept the promos!! After all, readers love FREE promos!
I don’t know what she’s doing as a marketing manager. She obviously don’t know her stuff.
My editor wasn’t very happy either. I told her, don’t let me catch her, coming to me later, saying that they cannot find any promos after all so could I please talk to the pr again to come in with promos. I’m not going to do it. It’s embarrassing enough that I have to tell the pr next week that we don’t want the client to come in with promo after all, and if you want me to approach them again later, I’m sorry, I’m not doing it cos I have my own pride. You want them in later, you get them yourself. I’m not helping out with looking for promotions and freebies for you anymore.
Can’t stand to be in her presence for more than a minute! Seeing her just makes me mad already.
Elektra, OCD and Farewell
Elektra
Just came back from watching Elektra with my best friend A. Not bad. Jennifer Garner was very charismatic and sexy. Although I found some of the dialogue and plot threads confusing. I didn’t read this comic as a child. Something happened along the way… or rather, did not.
Note, I said ‘charismatic’. She’s not beautiful, not like Nicole Kidman or even Halle Berry. But she’s got sharp features, an intensive facial repertoire – I like her. I like her body shape too. Very lean and sexy. Too bad I can’t achieve her shape and size. Ah well.
OCD
The movie had her having OCD. I wonder if the comic had her having it. Took awhile for me to click to what it stood for – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She kept counting. And it reminded me that I used to do that too. Oh, okay, I still do, but it’s not ‘obsessive’, I’d like to think. More of ‘occasional’.
I used to count steps. And I liked doing it in even numbers. Stairs that were odd, must be recounted, or re-adjusted an additional flight to make it even; like 7 + 7 is 14 steps. And I would even count or measure the spacings between trees by the roadside; it used to be when my parents drove, I would look out the window and count. Now, as I drive I still find myself counting the tree spacings, and must even it out with an additional row of trees, before I cut off.
I even counted words that I or people said with my fingers, and it must even off, preferably a nice ten-word sentence. And I would repeat it in my head to ensure it was ten. I used to think that I should keep a notebook and write down immediately all the ten-word phrases that I hear or say.
Crazy gurl. I still count like that sometimes. Maybe it is ‘obsessive’ after all. Oh, dear…
Farewell
No, I’m not saying ‘goodbye’. It’s my ex-students. They’re going back to their country – Botswana. And I want to see them one last time before they return. God knows when we will meet again.
I’m trying to think of what to get as farewell presents. With a budget, as always.
My best friend A suggested namecard holders, after all, they will be working now that they have graduated.
I want something that they can remember me by, and as much as possible, to remember what I taught them, or tried to teach them. Something they can look at sometimes when they doubt, that will give them inspiration and guidance. I want it to be useful in every way it can.
I was thinking of a keychain that has a personalised engraving on it… How to compact what I hope to be a remembrance of worth into one regular sized keychain… Got to figure this out by this week.
Men strike back!
1.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
2.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
3.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
5.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
7.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
9.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
10.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
11.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
12.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I like no. 11 for some reason...
Dreaming of Winter
Too many
people blog about the
winter that is in their
country, their
region, their
state, till I’m envious, till I wish I have snow in my own country, my region, my state.
And it’s bloody hot now. Especially with Chinese New Year (CNY) coming round the corner. It’s always like this. Boiling hot in Jan and Feb. Hate it.
And people get sickly around this time because of the heat. Every CNY I endeavour to wear lighter material clothing, instead of trying to wear glamorous like everyone else. I don’t care what I wear as long as the material doesn’t make me sweat like a pig. That’s a priority.
But meanwhile, this is the period of viligence against illnesses. Must be careful not to eat too much mandarin oranges, barbequed dragon meat, nuts and biscuits.
Which really kills half the fun of CNY – the gorging.
I want winter!!! Winter!!!
I miss the blasting cold of the Melbourne winds. I miss the crisp, chilly air of Melbourne.
I miss the sharp autumn winds in Perth. I miss waking in the chilly mornings and puffing frosted breath walking to uni.
I miss Australia...
Moronic double parkers
I was doubled parked by this horrid little teeny-bopper sized female outside the pet shop who didn’t so much as look at me when she finally came out after I have honked for at least 5 minutes and who casually unlocked her car, started the engine and drove off without even a ‘Sorry’!!!
Times like this I totally understand why the men are mad at women drivers, and I am ashamed of my own species, and I want to apologise to all the men for calling them stupid parkers.
Sorry, guys, I’ve seen lots of parkers that are stupid and inconsiderate, and they happen to be male.
But yesterday I thought I could almost see red when this stupid little idiot came out, sashaying in her tiny shorts and sphagetti blouse and sun glasses, and she didn’t even look aplogetic, and she didn’t utter a single word of apology.
And my mom made the comment, ‘I’m surprised you let her off without shouting at her” in
that tone.
Excuse me? What’s with that tone? Am I a road bully? Do I have to stoop to her level, just because she was inconsiderate and rude? Why are you sounding like I make it a normal routine of screaming at people on the roads?
Ok, so maybe once or twice I did curse some moronic asshole and wished that his armpit hair would be infested with fleas, and maybe I did wish that one bastard would meet up with someone braver and more vindictive than me who will scratch his paint and jam all his tyres with ice-picks.
What with
that tone?
At least I’m not some people (whom I know and reluctantly continue to associate myself with) who actually keep a screwdriver in their car, so that when they encounter these bastards on the street, they have the tools to retaliate.
At least I don’t use my housekeys to scratch cars that illegally park like my ex-colleague, who does it with glee. And I don’t stuff wet and dirty tissues under the doorknobs, though I wish I had them in my bag and then I WILL do it.
So I think I am not that bad. And I know that gurl will get what she deserves one day, when she meets up with more unscrupulous drivers, when she meets up with gangsters who keep bats and sticks and batons and heavy tools and sharp objects, when she meets with people who double park her for more than 30 minutes…
White night II
Had another white night. For no apparent reason. And when I have white nights, I’m compelled to think about the day’s happenings and about my life as it stands.
And I try not to.
Nothing wanders as much as the mind in the dead of the night when all is silent and still and all is seemingly well throughout the world.
How deceiving.
Who deludes themselves that all is well, when somewhere out there, someone is crying over the loss of a loved one, a beloved pet; when someone out there is agonizing over the uncertainty of a career, a marriage, a housing loan; when war is waged on innocent children, men and women; when countless others waged a different war of a more bio-neural inside them and are helpless to win; when there is misunderstanding between family, relatives, colleagues, races.
Then my mind wanders to having to work the next day. And remember the sweet days when I was teaching and the year end semester breaks of three months were truly idyllic days of reading, DVDs and chatting. And I yearn to go back to teaching.
Then I think of how too young it is to teach full time and that I must do more with my life. A career of the heart. That does not bring me down, despite difficulties. I have it. But I need time…
How do I achieve this? I start thinking.
Then I turn towards the list of things to do in preparation for my migration. Oh, so many.
And there’s that huge gathering I’m planning of us Murdoch graduates… I must email everyone to tell them to block out one night on this occasion. If anyone doesn’t or says they weren’t informed ahead of time, I’ll kill them.
I already started sourcing for a good location… but still have to run through with my best friend A., who always said that I do good organizing this kind of thing.
So does that mean I can find a good career in event organizing? Food for thought.
Oh shit... if I invite them all, what about Sh and J? They had a difficult break up... should I cut one out? Or just see if one comes and one doesn't, or both won't come? Shit.... what to do, what to do?
And then I fell asleep. But I didn’t want to wake up as usual.
Story of my life…
Breathe
"Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?”
~ Mary Oliver
Aye.
(taken from
here)
怕
我很害怕。 非常害怕。
老天爷啊。。。。。求求你帮我啊。
White night
I had a white night last night… blaaahhh….
Someone asked what’s a white night…. Hmm….. how to say this….
I first encounter this term when I was a young gurl… waahahahaaa, I say this as if I’m an old woman! …. Actually, sometimes I feel I am one…
I am 357 years old. *curtsey*
I first read it in L.M. Montgomery’s Emily of New Moon trilogy. Emily was prone to ‘white nights’ as she put it, meaning staying awake, being unable to sleep, pondering and thinking instead of sawing logs. I think Anne of Green Gables had that too.
hehehe... can you tell how I ended up being a writer?? ahahhahaaaa....
Well, I had that last night. Had a peppermint tea to combat the headache, which worked, but which also rendered me unable to sleep, so was in something like a semi-awake state wherein I was aware of everything, including the painful fact that I couldn’t sleep, and I was so hoping to drift into oblivion. Sigh…
I don’t think I would have that problem if I had a chance with the DVD player…. As it is, my brother was watching Moonraker, and mom was watching her Chinese serial show. Aaiiii….
And of course with white nights, you always get entertained by weird dreams… unfortunately I don’t remember any now. Lately, I can’t seem to remember most of my dreams… sigh………. Oft times like this, I dearly wish there was some way to record what I dream, so that I can replay and analyse what it is trying to say to me, or maybe what I am trying to tell myself... whichever you look at it.
Oh, there I go again, drifting off into Voyager land… dreaming of all these oh-so-far-in-the-future-possibilities…. I really wish I could be immortal!! Then I can stick around to see how the world transform. Hovercrafts! Air-traffic! Holograms. Space travel. Replicators. Futuristic technology.
"Beam me up, Scotty."
Sigh…. I’m dreaming…. *stupid smile on face*
No mood
No mood.
Not even to go for my belly dancing class today. Blahhh.... have a headache...
Hope tonight doesn't turn out to be a white night.
Women over 30
I like this.
Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.
Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust her guy with other women.
Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
- Andy Rooney
PS: For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage...
So my next question is ... who is this wonderful Andy Rooney?
On Pleasure
By the
Prophet Kahlil Gibran
Then a hermit, who visited the city once a year, came forth and said, "Speak to us of Pleasure."
And he answered, saying:
Pleasure is a freedom song,
But it is not freedom.
It is the blossoming of your desires,
But it is not their fruit.
It is a depth calling unto a height,
But it is not the deep nor the high.
It is the caged taking wing,
But it is not space encompassed.
Ay, in very truth, pleasure is a freedom-song.
And I fain would have you sing it with fullness of heart; yet I would not have you lose your hearts in the singing.
Some of your youth seek pleasure as if it were all, and they are judged and rebuked.
I would not judge nor rebuke them. I would have them seek.
For they shall find pleasure, but not her alone:
Seven are her sisters, and the least of them is more beautiful than pleasure.
Have you not heard of the man who was digging in the earth for roots and found a treasure?
And some of your elders remember pleasures with regret like wrongs committed in drunkenness.
But regret is the beclouding of the mind and not its chastisement.
They should remember their pleasures with gratitude, as they would the harvest of a summer.
Yet if it comforts them to regret, let them be comforted.
And there are among you those who are neither young to seek nor old to remember;
And in their fear of seeking and remembering they shun all pleasures, lest they neglect the spirit or offend against it.
But even in their foregoing is their pleasure.
And thus they too find a treasure though they dig for roots with quivering hands.
But tell me, who is he that can offend the spirit?
Shall the nightingale offend the stillness of the night, or the firefly the stars?
And shall your flame or your smoke burden the wind?
Think you the spirit is a still pool which you can trouble with a staff?
Oftentimes in denying yourself pleasure you do but store the desire in the recesses of your being.
Who knows but that which seems omitted today, waits for tomorrow?
Even your body knows its heritage and its rightful need and will not be deceived.
And your body is the harp of your soul,
And it is yours to bring forth sweet music from it or confused sounds.
And now you ask in your heart, "How shall we distinguish that which is good in pleasure from that which is not good?"
Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower,
But it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee.
For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life,
And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love,
And to both, bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.
People of Orphalese, be in your pleasures like the flowers and the bees.
'i do yoga' band
This is cool and interesting.
http://www.wearorange.org/
Wear and people will know you support the tsunami relief endeavour.
Any Malaysians interested, I know someone shipping these bands here; let me know if you are interested, I can get for you and pass to you. It's going at RM10.
Quidam in Melbourne!
Cirque du Soleil will be in
Melbourne in March til April! How I wish I could be there then...
Very angry...
Suddenly occurred to me that I'm very angry recently... and to think I was so happy over my Voyager DVD disks... I'm just so angry with so many people today.
My mom. My father. My editor. My management.
I think I'm angry with God too!
Gerald, help!!! How to deal with this anger???
Anger is bad when you have no partner to work it off with...
No more Miss Nice
My editor's on leave today and tomorrow.
And she left a note on my table saying she's given the digital camera and charger and back-up CDs of our magazine to my Chief Finance Officer (CFo) for safe-keeping.
Er... why? what for?
Never mind.
Then we noticed the CD burner was missing. But she didn't say anything about that in her note.
So anyway, I go to ask my CFO, just in case.
And sure enough, it was with him.
Again, why? what for?
I walked back puzzling over this and then I remembered. Last Friday I had used the burner to burn a music CD for my colleague. And she walked by just when it finished burning and the lid popped open. Naturally she asked my new designer what that was, cos it was sitting on her table, and made a comment about she better not be burning company/magazine documents. I immediately clarified that it was mine and it was music, not files or documents.
And so today is the result of last week's action.
I tell you, I'm getting more and more sick of the way my management and my editor is behaving. Manipulative, dishonest, calculative and cheapskates.
And to think that I was feeling sorry for them because I won't be around to help make the magazine grow.
Well, no more Miss Nice.
A little weepy day
Is there anything more painful than…
Well, why go into it when it’s a neverending story with no sight on a cure…
Nothing to do but sink into work…
It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps the reason why things are really working my way is because I was praying for things to work my way. So I should be doing the opposite – reverse psychology.
Ok. Here’s what I want.
1. I want my mother to find a man to occupy her time so that she can get off my case.
2. I want my father to strike a 10 million dollar lottery, but the first thing he’ll do is pay off what he owes my mom and then he’ll give me some money for my migration.
3. I want my brother to get an air-con job in PJ so that he can be comfortable and we don’t need to drop him off too early in the morning.
Proud letters
I'm so proud of my
ke'chara.
The Star published some very
condemning and
nonsensicle articles about
homosexuals and
homosexuality in Malaysia. The majority of the writers' circle have been in an uproar over it. And typically of my ke'chara, he has written a letter to the editor.
Dear Sir,
I refer to your series of articles on homosexuality "Helping homosexual persons resolve long-standing issues", "Circumstances may lead to homosexuality", "Homosexuality more about politics than biology" and "Changing sexual orientation through reparative therapy" published in the Star, Jan 12, 2004. I would like to point out the following.
Homosexual sexual orientation refers to an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual or affectional attraction to another person of the same sex (www.apa.org/pubinfo/answers.html). Sexual orientation should not be confused with sexual behavior or gender identity or culture.
Your article blames childhood experiences and parenting as a "cause" of homosexuality. People, whether gay or straight, might have undergone traumatic childhood experiences. However, it is questionable whether these experiences "caused" their sexual orientation. A large scale study in 1981 by Bell, Weinberg and Hammersmith [1] debunked the "bad parenting" theory as a "cause" of homosexuality.
Your article suggested that the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality as a mental disorder purely for "political" reasons. Your article also suggested that gay people were unhappy due to factors intrinsic to their sexual orientation. A landmark study by Hooker in 1957 [2] found that being gay/lesbian/bisexual (GLB) is not hazardous to one's psychological health. This was corroborated by many extensive studies which revealed that there are no difference between GLB and heterosexual people in levels of maturity, neuroticism, psychological adjustment, goal orientation, or self-actualization [2-15]. On the contrary, GLB people face problems that are not inherent in sexual orientation itself but rather are due to society's negative responses [16-18]. Meanwhile, the World Health Organization also removed homosexuality from the International Classification of Diseases, ICD-10, in 1992.
Your article highlighted "heterosexual" marriage and birth of children as proof of "change" of sexual orientation. It is known that there are gay men who get into marriages with women and some have children even without undergoing "therapy". However, many realize, sometimes after decades, that being married to persons of the opposite sex gave rise to numerous serious problems affecting themselves and their families [19-24].
Your article suggested that the study by Dr. Spitzer [25] proved successfulness of "reparative therapy". I would strongly suggest that you reread the original paper carefully along with the accompanying commentaries. The author sought people who agreed to claim, in a single telephone interview, that their sexual orientation was changed due to "reparative therapy". He pointed out that the results could be due to construction of elaborate self-deceptive narratives or lies as no verification of the authenticity of the claims were carried out. Deceptive narratives in such emotionally laden area is known [26, 27]. Professor Beckstead cited a client who participated in a similar study as saying "I wanted to fit in and there was so much at stake. I wanted to boost my morale and tell others that I was doing well…I downplayed my sexuality. I lied enough so it would be believable to myself and the researcher."[25] The issue of causality was also not addressed. Numerous professionals noted that the subjects interviewed had vested interests, personal testimonies for the benefits of useless treatment abound, and the report could mislead people to believe that all homosexual individuals could be "heterosexual" if they just tried hard enough. Professor Hartmann from the Harvard Medical School, criticized the study as being too flawed to be published, likely to do harm, irresponsible and unscientific [25]. Harm from such "therapy" has been reported by others [28]. The "therapy" is considered ineffective, harmful and has been rejected by major professional bodies, not only the American Psychiatric Association but also by the Surgeon General of the United States, American Psychological Association, American Medical Association, American Psychoanalytic Association, American Academy of Pediatrics, National Association of School Psychologists, National Association of Social Workers, and the American Counseling Association. The dubious movement is exposed in a book by Besen WR [27] (www.anythingbutstraight.com).
Concerned doctor
References:
1. Bell, A., M. Weinberg, and S. Hammersmith, Sexual preference: Its development in men and women. 1981, Bloomington: Indiana University Press.
2. Hooker, E., The adjustment of the male overt homosexual. J Projective Techniques, 1957. 21: p. 18-31.
3. Dancey, C.P., Sexual orientation in women: an investigation of hormonal and personality variables. Biol Psychol, 1990. 30(3): p. 251-64.
4. Gartrell, N., The lesbian as a "single" woman. Am J Psychother, 1981. 35(4): p. 502-16.
5. Hart, M., et al., Psychological adjustment of nonpatient homosexuals: critical review of the research literature. J Clin Psychiatry, 1978. 39(7): p. 604-8.
6. Herek, G.M., Gay people and government security clearances. A social science perspective. Am Psychol, 1990. 45(9): p. 1035-42.
7. Hooker, E., Parental relations and male homosexuality in patient and nonpatient samples. J Consult Clin Psychol, 1969. 33(2): p. 140-2.
8. Kurdek, L.A. and J.P. Schmitt, Interaction of sex role self-concept with relationship quality and relationship beliefs in married, heterosexual cohabiting, gay, and lesbian couples. J Pers Soc Psychol, 1986. 51(2): p. 365-70.
9. Pagelow, M.D., Heterosexual and lesbian single mothers: a comparison of problems, coping, and solutions. J Homosex, 1980. 5(3): p. 189-204.
10. Peters, D.K. and P.J. Cantrell, Factors distinguishing samples of lesbian and heterosexual women. J Homosex, 1991. 21(4): p. 1-15.
11. Ross, M.W., J.A. Paulsen, and O.W. Stalstrom, Homosexuality and mental health: a cross-cultural review. J Homosex, 1988. 15(1-2): p. 131-52.
12. Siegelman, M., Adjustment of homosexual and heterosexual women: a cross-national replication. Arch Sex Behav, 1979. 8(2): p. 121-5.
13. Stokes, K., P.R. Kilmann, and R.L. Wanlass, Sexual orientation and sex role conformity. Arch Sex Behav, 1983. 12(5): p. 427-33.
14. Thompson, N.L., Jr., B.R. McCandless, and B.R. Strickland, Personal adjustment of male and female homosexuals and heterosexuals. J Abnorm Psychol, 1971. 78(2): p. 237-40.
15. Gonsiorek, J., Results of Psychological Testing on Homosexual Populations. Am. Behavioral Sci, 1982. 25: p. 385-396.
16. Coyle, A., A study of psychological well-being among gay men using the GHQ-30. Br J Clin Psychol, 1993. 32(Pt 2): p. 218-20.
17. Savin-Williams, R.C., A critique of research on sexual-minority youths. J Adolesc, 2001. 24(1): p. 5-13.
18. Meyer, I.H., Minority stress and mental health in gay men. J Health Soc Behav, 1995. 36(1): p. 38-56.
19. Leddick, D., The Secret Lives of Married Men: Interviews with Gay Men who Played it Straight. 2003: Alyson Publ.
20. Klein, F. and T. Schwartz, eds. Bisexual and Gay Husbands : Their Stories, Their Words. 2001, Harrington Park Press.
21. Beemyn, B. and E.W. Steinman, eds. Bisexuality in the Lives of Men : Facts and Fictions. 2000, Haworth Press.
22. Buxton, A.P., The Other Side of the Closet : The Coming-out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families. 1994: John Wiley & Sons.
23. Gochros, J.S., When Husbands Come Out of the Closet. 1989: Harrington Park Press.
24. Grever, C., My Husband is Gay: A Woman's Guide to Surviving the Crisis. 2001: Crossing Press.
25. Spitzer, R.L., Can some gay men and lesbians change their sexual orientation? 200 participants reporting a change from homosexual to heterosexual orientation. Arch Sex Behav, 2003. 32(5): p. 403-17; discussion 419-72.
26. Duberman, M., Cures: A Gay Man's Odyssey. 10th. Ann. ed. 2002: Westview Press.
27. Besen, W.R., Anything but Straight : Unmasking the Scandals and Lies Behind the Ex-Gay Myth. 2003: Haworth Press.
28. Shidlo, A. and M. Schroeder, Changing sexual orientation: A consumers' report, in Professional Psychology: Research and Practice. 2002. p. 249-259.
Complete with references! Isn't he amazing?!
Ke'chara, I'm so proud of you.
You know you’ve been watching too much Voyager when…
…you dream you’re a member of the crew but have to climb a long flight of steps to enter the ship.
I remember the ship having plush carpeting. Which was odd, cos I didn’t remember seeing that in the DVD. Anyhow…
The whole crew was off the ship on shore leave, but one young member got himself into trouble with the local judiciary, and the senior members with a small team was attempting to solve the matter. I don’t think I was an official member, perhaps just one of those that got picked up along their journey and stayed on.
While waiting, we visited the local stores and were naturally fascinated with the local products. Then we found our member had been transferred to another office for further questioning. We started to make way for that office when a few of the younger members announced that they would rather return to the ship. And I wanted to follow.
"Captain, permission to follow them."
"Any particular reason?"
"Well, I don’t trust them…"
A look of concern flashed across her face. "What do you mean you don’t trust them?" she demanded.
I quickly assured her. "No, no. That’s not what I meant. I just don’t feel safe to let them go back on their own."
She smiled. "Alright, ‘mother’. Go."
And so I went with them. And saw that the ship was parked by the street with a stairway locked to the ground.
I was shocked.
"Is that safe? What if someone decides to climb up to our ship?"
One of them answered me. "Don’t worry. The ship won’t let anyone in if they are not from Voyager."
And so I climbed the stairs that were strangely of different width every third step. I was panting by the time we got to the top, and saw there was a security gate that opened under the touch of one of the youngsters’ hands and then it shut tight behind us. As we were coding in at the second gate for our entry, I woke up very abruptly to the sound of my stupid alarm clock.
The first thing I thought was, "What? No 'beam me up'?"
But is that going to stop me from watching another one or two hours of it today?
No, sirree.
Odd things
I got a call from my father saying that I had a parking summons that said I parked illegally in Teluk Intan. When I heard where it was, I was like, ‘Where?’
Apparently I was in Teluk Intan in July last year and parked illegally. But I don’t even know where it’s located, whatmore park illegally.
I couldn’t possibly have been in Teluk Intan because one, I don’t know where it is, and two, I didn’t go travelling anywhere between May and September because I had been too busy. I didn’t even go back for Father’s Day, which was why I forced myself to make a trip back in September because it was his birthday.
But the summons stated the car number plate very clearly, and it’s obviously mine, and it also stated the correct car model. Strange. I'm going to have to write a letter to god-knows-which-lame-department to firmly insist on my innocence and that I refuse to pay any fine when I didn't commit any illegal activities. Stupid Malaysian government.
That night I had a weird dream.
I dreamt of a female rabbit that was black and huge, and a huge spotted mongrel dog, whose offspring was a pristine white little bunny. I first saw the little bunny, and was ooh-aahing at it, until I saw the mother, exclaimed over the size of mommy, and then I saw the daddy, and I was speechless.
I woke up disoriented, with images of the pure white bunny with a very affectionate pairing for parents.
Here's what
Dream Moods has to say.
Dog
To see a dog in your dream, indicate a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. Alternatively, dogs may symbolize intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Your own values and intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and succeed.
Rabbits
To see a rabbit in your dream, foretells of luck, magic and of a favorable turn of events and a positive outlook in your future endeavors. To see a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness of a lover.
Er... what skill? ... what lover? Pray enlighten me, oh Lord.
Tiramisu
Last night my Mandarin teacher told me something cute about tiramisu.
His friend had told him that the story is that a girl wanted to tell a guy she liked her feelings for him. And so she made a cake, called tiramisu, and if he ate the cake, it meant that he accepted her feelings.
But the flaw lies in what if the guy didn't know the meaning of eating her cake? If he ate it, and didn't know the meaning, she would misunderstand. And if he did, how tragic if he told her that he couldn't eat her cake.
Reminded me of the Japanese manga that always had stories of the girls making things and food for the guys they like to profess their faith - 'biao bai' - as it's called in Mandarin.
Anyhow, I checked the net for 'tiramisu', but of course stumbled on recipe sites for this gorgeous Italian cake. And I found this really interesting site. Funny. You can even find the recipe there. Enjoy.
Tiramisu.
Comin' around again
I've been listening to this song for weeks, but it never registered on the consciousness, perhaps it was because I didn't want it to, and perhaps because I was too self-engrossed in wallowing.
But a few days ago, the words began to penetrate. And I started to listen.
Just when you least expect it, something will catch you unawares, and you get nipped in the butt. And you begin to feel hopeful.
He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do
and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds
on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper
and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again
and then
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds
on a bull named Fu Man Shu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'
Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it
What should you do with it
What can I do with it
What would I do with it
Skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds
on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And man I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'
Marriages are not easy
Personally I don’t hold much faith in marriages. If I do find someone to have a meaningful relationship with, it’ll have to be cohabitation. If the subject of marriage is broached, I’ll be the one to hedge, not him. And I suspect that if he wants a deeper commitment than just cohabitation, I’ll be the one to say that I’m not ready or willing to commit.
Where did this feeling come from? Well, as they say, charity begins at home, so it all comes from the home.
Hearing the news that Pitt and Aniston has split up is both not a surprise and one. When they got married, I wasn’t very enthusiastic. While my Pitt fan frens were excited, I was skeptical. But I’m amazed that they survived 5 years actually…
Demi Moore and Bruce Willis was at one time my couple idol. Then they split.
Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke was also one of them. Then they split.
Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise was another favourite. But they split.
It’s sad to see this happening. I pity the children.
But let’s not look so far away. Look closer.
My own parents. Three months after the marriage my mother wanted out. But she only got the divorce when I was 17 cos she wanted to spare us the children. And yet, I am still caught in between.
My favourite aunt and uncle in Melbourne. According to my aunt, my uncle is a less than desirable marriage partner. According to my mom, there was a lot of unhappiness between my aunt and her in-laws family.
My uncle (mom’s second youngest brother) and the wife who is now living in Hong Kong. They broke up and now my cousin is a screwed up case that even my uncle washed his hands off. He has remarried and has two children by the second wife, but I hear that he is afraid of the wife because of his mistake with the first, and the wife is a bit of a pecker.
My youngest uncle and the wife that refuses to allow him to communicate with his family openly. He sneaks around when he meets my mom. He uses the time in between his job and break to meet us for dinner or tea. We don’t call his house but the mobile. He never calls from home but from the office. Mom gives him the annual Chinese new year angpao for his two children but we know that he never gives them openly, otherwise his wife will know that he’s been in close contact with us. When my aunt from Melbourne comes back to visit, he also comes to see her in secret.
My best friend’s parents who are separated but not divorced because of the widow left behind by one of the deceased uncle. Her mother refuses to allow the father to get a divorce and so he lives with the widow and daughter, while maintaining pretence of a marriage with the rest of the family.
I’m not even going to go into detail about the two 4- and 5-yr relationships of two couple friends that broke up due to one reason or another.
No. I have no illusions of the perfect marriage, or a marriage that lasts.
I guess there will always be a marriage that doesn’t really last and a marriage that hasn’t worked out a balance and reluctant compromisation somehow. But I don’t know many that boasts of happiness and contentment.
Voyager rules!!!
Been watching Voyager like crazy throughout the weekend and Janeway rocks!!! Woohoo!!
Bought the DVD cheap at the pasar malam (yeah, I know, I shouldn't support pirated stuff, but I'm poor); the 1st season cost RM40 - 4 disks and the 2nd season cost RM80 for 7 disks. Woohoo!!!
Anyhow, I've just finished the 1st season. Will continue on to the 2nd soon!! Can't wait.
It's alot of money still, to me, but I know it's much cheaper than if I buy them from the proper video shop. And I know that this is one of the rare handful of shows that I will buy from the first season to the last. I'm not a movie buff or a fanatic series slut, but Voyager... makes me wanna run and grab it! Anytime.
Take me home to the meadow
I haven’t been the most cheerful of creature the past week… but I try to take it all in stride.
I’m not the only one who is suffering. I know that the suffering is worst for others.
So I try not to dwell in self-pity. Basically I just carry on like an automaton. That’s the only way that works for me.But anyhow, life goes on.
And I go for yoga and belly dancing to distract myself.
Was listening to my
Secret Garden CD. Surprisingly this song made me feel lighter… I mean, this song always makes me cry. But this evening, I feel more heartened.
I hope it does too for others. Somehow.
Greenwaves
(With Karen Matheson)
I remember a meadow one morning in May
With a sky full of dreams that sailed in that day
I was dancing through green waves of grass like the sea
And for a moment in time I could feel I was free
There are waves of forgiveness and waves of regret
And the first waves of true love I'll never forget
In the meadow that morning as I wandered alone
There were green waves of yearning for life still unknown
Chorus:
Take me home to the meadow that cradles my heart
Where the waves reach as far as you can see
Take me home to the meadow, we've been too long apart
I can still hear you calling for me
(Chorus)
What I'd give to remember that heavenly state
Just a moment in time all mine to create
As I'm taking my last breath I know what I will see
There'll be green waves forever out there waiting for me
(Chorus)
"Once in a red moon" 
Blaah
Busy.
Fed-up.
No mood.
Sick of parents.
Want to run away.
Brain circuits fried
There is something wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix myself.
I’ve become less and less… reflexive.
Becos my home television was at the hospital, there was no TV to know about the tsunami until the next day. My cousin was the one who updated us on it cos we watched the news at the hotel. And it was only that evening later that it sank in and I started calling my friends and ex-students whom I knew lived in Penang.
Slow. Dull reflexes. Poor brain processing.
Didn’t know anyone in Thailand, India and Indonesia. So didn’t think of anyone else who could possibly be at risk.
Then this evening, while sitting at dinner, in a bit of a daze, cos it was a tiring day, and also thinking about this company that was ding-donging with me about a translation job, feeling pissed over their stupid cat-and-mouse phone calling over the weekend and today, I listened to the news absentmindedly, noting the number of people lost in the Maldives.
Then it hit me. Oh my God… I know someone in Maldives… my ex-student!
I quickly grabbed my mobile and called this other ex-student who kept in touch with this student sometimes. The minute I said the name, she said ‘safe’.
"He’s alright?"
"Yes. At first we were worried too. But then one of us got hold of him online and we knew he was fine."
"Thank God!"
"It took you this long to process? How come?"
"I have no idea!"
And I really don’t. I suspect my brain circuits are kinda fried at this moment. I’ve been aware of this condition for quite a while. That it wasn’t a good sign. But I don’t know what to do to repair the circuits.
I do things a little less enthusiastically now. I don’t remember duties or jobs that I am suppose to handle. I don’t process commands or instructions as well as before. I am not enjoying work as much as I used to. I don’t feel as energetic about assignments as before. Reaction to things said is also distinctly duller.
Something’s gotta be done, I know. But I don’t know what I should do to perk myself up, recharge myself, or tune myself up.
Huh. Ironic when I am writing ‘Rejuvenate’ articles in my own mag.
I think I need a change. A real change. But that one is 9 months down the road. Meanwhile, I know I need something. But I don’t have that much cash to spare for this little indulgence.
Perhaps a short weekend sojourn to Singapore for my nephew’s first birthday will do the trick. It will have to suffice. But that means I need to use a certain amount for this trip. Sigh… there’s goes some of my stash for migration.
Happy New Year
Happy new year, all! Though it's been rather quiet around here in Malaysia....
But I had a pretty relaxing new year's eve; eating, sleeping and watching Voyager DVD!! muahahhaaaa..
Yeah, on 1st Jan my mom had a farewell gathering organised by her colleagues, so she left my brother and I at home, and I was tired of seeing people (the night before was at aunts' place for dinner and surrounded by people they invited) and wanted a little time to myself, so I hogged the TV and plunked in my Voyager 1st season DVD set, which was sold at only RM40 at the pasar malam, and had a blast watching 6 episode straight, no commercials or stupid ads, or interrupts from mom wanting me to do chores!! muahahhaahaa....
I love Voyager... Did I ever mention that before??
Back at work today and busy like hell! The mag has to be completed and finished soon... damn...
Ok. Back to work.
