Feeling Blue and Orange but Life MUST go on
Top of the day to me. And peace and good will to everyone. Well, I know it’s late - it’s 5pm now – but there was something wrong with the modem and now it’s miraculously come back online. Technology for you… go figure.
What does 29 feel? Nothing much different. But maybe for me, it’s a moment of reflection, to assess what I have done so far, and it’s very humbling, humiliating?, depressing, saddening, daunting to know what it’s not very much.
So it is today that I’ve decided that I’m going on a break from blogging for awhile. And it was seeing a pair of balloons that made me walk down that path of decision.
Baby blue and orange. I kid you not.
What did it mean? Omen? Of what? Hope? Faith? Possibilities? Life? Chances? Take a week off? Give yourself a break? Reroute all circuits and reboot?
And so I decided. Realign. Alter some wires. Change some compartments. Move blocks away. Smash stereotypes. Shelf doubt. Shroud fear. Embrace the underlined shy. Nourish the hiding arty soul, eyes and heart.
I’m going back to drawing and painting. I was quite good in my younger days, before college came and uni snared all the attention away from my arty desire. I came from arty parents; my father had a musical ear and my mother was good in drawing and painting.
The great thing about here in Oz is that you can borrow books of any subject matter from the libraries. And so I hied away myself to borrow some books on watercolour. My motivation is to paint scenes from my dreams. They have been burning – BURNING – inside me for some time. I need to get them off my brain and onto canvas! I want to see where it goes and where it takes me.
My next project is to redesign my site. Hence I need all the help I can get. Anyone CARE TO help me? I SO need help - Webdesign is not my strong point… *grimace* Learnt Dreamweaver before but I dun have the software and I’m not sure I remember to do it. Especially when I intend to put up some of my paintings (ambitious, eh?) and improve my writing.
So the next time I head back here would be to announce my new place. God willing. But I will still be going visiting my bloggies to see how everyone else fares.
Meanwhile, I think the message below will apply to everyone, including me.
This is Michael Leunig
. His comics are quite provocative.
i'm boring. i'm dull. i'm uninteresting. i'm so not creative. i'm a log. i'm a wimp. i'm pathetic. i'm not going anywhere. i'm moving anwyhere. i'm stupid. i'm not clever. i'm worthless.
i dunno what i'm doing.
Do you feel old at your age?
I got a pleasant surprise yesterday. An early birthday card. Such a wonderful surprise. I had initially thought it to be a wedding invitation card promised by a fren in KL. So I left the house to submit my resume to the pet shop without looking at it. When I came back, I was so surprised by the return address ‘cos I knew who it was instantly.
Turning 29 is no big deal, I suppose, in comparison to those who turn, say, 30 or 39. But I am conscious of the fact that at 29, I am nowhere living the life I hope to live, or doing the things I hope to do. Of course one could console oneself by saying that 29 is still a young age. And it is. I suppose. Eat healthy and you’ll live longer. So age is relative.
That, or I’m in a huge state of denial!!! Hahahahhahaa….
But I’m not worried about age. I’m more worried about contentment, satisfaction, sense of worth and sense of wellbeing.
'Will sleep with dogs if necessary'
This morning I had gone out to the shopping mall with my aunt ( we do this about every Mon-Thurs ). We passed the pet shop and saw they had new puppies! Adorable ones – mini poodles, cocker spaniels, and jack russell/dachsund/chihuahua! Absolutely adorable they all were. And saw this paper on the outside – CASUAL POSITION
. Naturally I popped in to ask about it, and they needed a resume – which is of course something I dun keep in my pocket, so I told them that I would drop by later to hand in my resume.
But what does one say in a resume to a pet shop? ‘Loves animals, will sleep with them if necessary’? ‘Have owned and bathed dogs, canaries before and rescued stray kittens before’? Well, I dunno if what I wrote will get me the job, but it was worth a try!!
Baby Blue and Sunset Orange
Who would have thought that baby blue and sunset orange could look so pretty together...
Down, sad, discouraged doesnt begin to describe how I feel today.
I realised in a heartbeat that I was ready to scream if I didnt get out of the house. At 7.38pm.
So I dressed in trackpants and a warm sweater in a hurry and informed my uncle that I was going for a walk.
And absorbed the beautiful flowers in the gardens of all the houses in my neighbourhood. Red, pink, white, yellow, lilac and orange... the crisp air, the rain drops on the petals, the crunch of the grass beneath my shoes, the birds calling out.
And looked up to see the most beguiling sky, in baby blue, with a warm orange sunset ablaze in glory.
Wished I had a camera.
But beautiful and breathtaking as it is, it still couldnt take away this feeling inside me.
I never wanted the walk to end.
I came over, with the intention of starting a new life. I intended to start with a clean slate. I was ready to challenge myself with the unknown and the possibilities.
I suppose it goes hand in hand.. the fear, the uncertainty... together with that of a new start and a new slate...
But sometimes it seems as though you are not allowed to wipe the slate clean... that it's still tainted with the old... that you can't be allowed to forget that you are not from here originally... that chances are not often given...
It’s my unemployment and I’ll shop if I want to!
I just came back from shopping. K-Mart has 15% store-wide discounts. This includes even prepaid top-up. Which is fantastic, cos I get $30 worth of calls even though I paid only $25.
I also got a bag for my mom, cos mom doesn’t know how to buy bags. It’s either too small, or too big! This one’s perfect. I know she will like it. Strange though that I can decide on something for mom, but I have a difficult time settling on one bag for myself. I always ponder on the size, is it too big, is it too small, the colour, is that too bright, is that too boring, is that too dull, the weight, the functions of it, where I can use it for, is it practical, is it too formal, too casual, does it make me look like an auntie, would it clash with my outfit, which is mostly jeans now, and the questioning goes on!! I can never decide on one immediately. Not even after 15 minutes of standing there, thinking.
But if someone gave me something, I would most likely like it!!! And then I’m left wondering, why can’t I buy something like this for myself? Stupid woman…
All this shopping is not good. Never said it was good. For the wallet. Unemployed and shopping is not good. But I can’t help myself. Gotta go check it out! What woman can resist sales? No sane one, I assure you.
Yet, unemployment rate has gone up
. In September this year, it’s increased by 5.2 per cent. Still they say that there are lots of jobs due to the Christmas season. More food, more gift deliveries, more shopping. But I've yet to receive a call from any of those recruitment agencies for work...
But at least I’m healthy. I’ve never been so healthy in my whole life. Ok, so I’m not doing much exercise now, but the air is clean (I dun have headaches anymore), the atmosphere is cooling (less tantrums), the food is good (my aunt cooks great, and she loves spices and nuts), fruits aplenty (Australians eat more fruits than any other country – I’ve never eaten so much), the lifestyle is relaxing (no honking or rushing on the streets or train stations, regular bus and train schedules, well, mostly, there were some complaints lately) and I sleep more.
But I wonder if I will return to my former self once I get a job. Would I get more headaches? Probably. Stress? Probably. Angry and frustrated? Probably. But at least I won’t be obese and need so much sick leave.Obese workers 'more likely to take a sickie'.
I never used to take a lot of MCs. That pride I talked about earlier always spikes up whenever I think of all the work waiting for me in the office and I hate having to leave it mountaining on my desk. Maybe I should start walking every evening now… why tempt fate? Or poor health?
Pride and Sensibility
I may appear nonchalant or even lackadisical to the outsider. But I do have my pride.
Early this morning I went to a blog written by a Malaysian comtemporary. There was a comment made about Malaysians who migrate to Australia, and then laze around living on the Oz dough. Some people commented, and there was this guy who generalised that Malaysians are taking advantage of this dough system.
I agree some people do that. But as a Malaysian I needed to defend my own people. Because I am a good example of the opposite of what he was saying.
Not a good thing to get pissed off by a comment made by a stranger, but there you have it.
I am proud. I'm not afraid to say it. I DO NOT want to depend on the government's dough system. Which is why I've not registered with Centrelink to get the unemployment dough. I REFUSED to sign up. Even when my cousin said I should. So while it is a LONG 2 months, I'm going to hang in there and continue looking for work, then maybe when I'm desperate - See, I'm not that desperate yet - then I shall register.
Take that, stranger!
(NO Work)Choices, Immigrants-turned-Terrorists and going Flaky
Ever felt so frustrated that you wanted either to go on a rampage or to just hide away in a nice dark room and never have to talk to anyone?
I felt that way last week. Managed it quite nicely, but only with avoiding my cousin.Cousin: Always restless, always bored, always looking for victims to tease.
Easy target for cousin: Me
Actions undertaken: Apply nicknames that seem funny in his mind. Eg. penguin.
Nature: Person who deems people content to reside at home, not spend money, gallivanting around town, as ‘boring’.
Ok. So he does sound rather mean in the above mentioned cataloguing, but he isn’t that bad. I just don’t like to have to deal with people who find it so easy to tease me on a daily basis. Makes me wanna punch them. Cos I can’t give as good as I get. Which I blame it all on my mom. But since mom ain’t here, I need to brush up on my repartee skills, don’t I? That’s ok. I’m willing to give it time.
Job hunting is frustrating. Which makes me wanna scream to every young immigrant-wanna-be in Malaysia to wake up and smell the sambal in the air! What makes them think that they can get a job as easily as the next Sheila or Mate in Oz!?!!
Yes, I’m being negative. But it’s the truth. And the latest industrial relations proposal isn’t helping immigrants like me. Not unless Oz is planning to send their own Emu-fied rocket ship into space, then you being a rocket scientist helps.
And of course, you have to think about the colour of your skin. These days, it’s dangerous to be brown, otherwise you could be suspected as terrorists. Tell you something; if I were a terrorist, I would stay in the community that seems to sprout them as fast as weeds do.
I mean, I’m in the right place at the right time eh? Terrorists in Melbourne
. What excellent timing! But am glad I’m in neither of those areas where they were located and arrested. You would think that they shouldn’t congregate in their own communities, attempting to create bombs… talk about dumb… and it's true, it is like biting the hand that fed them...
But it is worrying. Cos there were only 17 arrested. What if there were more? Right next to me! *gasp* Could it be that nice little old lady who goes to Waverly Gardens every day for her daily walks (don’t ask) is actually going around the hardware shops looking for spare parts to assemble to her miniature Molotov cocktail? Or is that seemingly quiet man across the street, who waters his garden on Wednesdays (and it’s so hot today!! Such a kind man towards his bushes!!), is actually scouting this neighbourhood for plainsclothed police hiding behind hedges, waiting to pounce on his cronies in the backyard shed, trying to figure out with screwdriver is more suitable?
Or maybe I’m just a demented Nanowrimo
writer whose going crazy attempting to reach 50,000 words, but for the past few days have not written a single word!!
Whatever. Like my mom who narrowly escaped the riot between the Chinese and Malays back in 1969, “If I had to go then, I would be gone.”
So if I’m blown into bits at the MCG at the Commonwealth Games
next year despite Howard’s attempts to stop terrorists attacks, c’est la vie
I shall start stocking up on Flake
The ballet - The Trocks - was hilarious. It's basically ballet, which I suspect, (since I'm no expert at ballet) that the ballet moves were alot more masculine... because these "ballerinas" were men, their ballet steps seem a little 'off' to me, probably because there are a set of standard steps for the gurl ballerinas, and another set for the men baller... ballerinos?? ballerats??? I dunno!! But anyhow, they were graceful… until they purposely stumble, lose sense of direction, clash into each other, fall flat on their faces, and throw everyone else into disarray!! The crowd loved them! I loved them!! They were good, they were funny, and they were cute! They killed the Prince (in the Swan Lake story); they killed the Swan (a separately created story), but resurrected Don Quixote!! And I think they did an impromptu or new act, albeit a short one, because of the Melbourne Cup (happening right now), with the Dying Swan coming to life again by reappearing from the curtains, slinking onto the stage, wearing a big black gauzy hat!!! It was hilarious!!! When the crowd gave 'her' catcalls, she became shy and gestured to everyone, like she was saying, 'Aw... shucks, folks, dun embarrass me!!' Oh, we all cracked up.. it was good, it was good... I’m glad I paid $48.15 for it.... it was great.
The Nano meet - not so good.... after the show I went over the meeting place, I had told them that I would be joining them after it, and I think I was the last one to appear so they waited for me.. but when I arrived, I dunno who was more stunned, me that there were so many of them - all caucasians, the weird thing was this was the first time I’ve been so nervous in strange company because I’ve never been before! - or them, who probably expected a caucasian and they didn’t know what to say. Needless to say that I didn’t really contribute much to the group, though I tried, partly because I couldn’t understand half of what they were saying the whole time and couldn’t find a chance to jump in, and partly because I dun think they knew how to initiate some form of enquiry in my direction. In fact, they never once asked me anything. Where did I come from, what did I do, why was I here, etc. Nothing. It was only when I asked one gurl (cos she seemed obviously less fitted to the group) what she did that she tentatively asked what I did. But she was still schooling, in the equivalent of our... Form 2 or 3. Young. There were 2 couples, one couple I gathered from the other couple's mentions, that they got together online!! Imagine that. I only ever knew one couple who met and married online - my senior - and they are still loving. Anyway, we adjourned to another location cos some were getting cold and wanted beer. So we walked to the city. Went to the place, that was an underground bar with couches to read and chill. Lots of cigarette smoking. I didn’t like the place though I concur that it had atmosphere. I didn’t stay long as I had to think abt transport, and also it felt increasingly uncomfortable for me to linger when I had nothing much to contribute, and they didn’t feel incline to get to know me, and I think, after trying to chat up this guy nearest to me, that he didn’t really understand what I was saying, which made me very conscious about the way I was speaking - maybe my Malaysian tones were too difficult to decipher simple English words? Whatever happened to the universally understood, global language of the commoner?? Did I lose my vernacular skill suddenly after laughing too much at the ballet?? Was it me or them?
So I left. And though they have planned a Wednesday meet, I might not join because it's going to be expensive to travel to the city on a weekday, and I have a driving knowledge test (by the way) on Wednesday morning and so I might not go out anyhow. And also, a purely gurly or healthy thing, I dun quite look forward to being in a smoky environment, no matter how the company might (or not) be stimulating.
On the train I was fairly discouraged. Did I do something wrong? Or not do something right? Was it that I didn’t say anything that made them feel more friendly with me? Should I have prepared an introductory speech or something when I first made my appearance to them? What could I have done to feel more comfortable in their presence?
I was quite down when I reached my station and waited for transport. But I carefully schooled my expression when my uncle arrived. Wouldn’t do to have him suspect that I didn’t enjoy some part of my outing. He is already ‘talkative’ whenever I make plans to go out.
Anyhow, I decided to make myself happier the next day by going to watch Howl’s Moving Castle again. Yes, the second time. And I imagine I will go again the third time… cos I absolutely love it… I had a light bulb lit up in my mind after watching it the first time… I have an additional goal… I intend to write a script, a story that can be translated into a Miyazaki movie… no other producer will do… I have too many weird and ridiculous dreams in my arsenal to leave it lying in cobwebs and dust. It should be dug out and made into something fantastical, as it is fantastical anyway! Yes… *determined* … I have a dream…..
Today is the 1st of Nov… I better start writing… and I haven’t decided what to write yet!!! *gasp* …. Help, help, help…