Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Working culture sucks

It’s a strange thing working nowadays. Either there’s something seriously wrong with our culture, our generation, or the way our working environment is evolving, or degenerating!!!

I feel strange working right now, because more often than not, I find myself unconcerned with what management thinks of proper working attitude. Well, more concerned that I am unconcerned at all. And I’m not the only one feeling this way.

Ever since that recent stunt my management has pulled, I’ve been nonchalant about working hours. In a few ways.

- I don’t care if I don’t reach the office at 9am.
- Having said that, I don’t bother to make sure to replace the missing time after work.
- If I feel too tired or sleepy, I just walk in at 9.30 or at the absolute latest, 10am; but I’ve only done that once.
- Then I leave at 5.30pm sharp.
- I don’t care that lunch is 1 hour; it’s when I feel it’s time.
- Since I cannot relieve my boredom or mental block online, I now read my novels anytime at work; I don’t even care who sees me doing it.

It’s their fault. Who asked them to be petty and childish?

I don’t think I’m too much. After all, did they take notice the times I used to come to the office at 7.30am and would be doing research at 8am? Did they notice when I stayed back on Saturdays to rush articles? Did they notice me going out of my way to interview a doctor back in my hometown and did not claim the toll and milege? Did they notice when I took the initiative to help marketing when it isn’t my job?

I don’t think I was asking too much for annual increment. But if they think that I’m not doing enough for them, they can jolly well fire me. Even better, man. I get to get an early break and I still get paid. My best friend A. is feeling the same way now. Hence she doesn’t even care how she sounds when she speaks impatiently to her superior every now and then when she’s feeling harassed.

But I don’t understand why this management (I’m sure they’re not the only ones so petty) is so un-management-like. Have they no idea that they are forcing good staff to leave because of their behaviour?

Ah well, when I leave, I’ll be skipping my way out. I have no regrets. I’ll definitely be sure to use the phone to the maximum. The printer. The photocopy machine. Anything else I can use…..?

But I believe that the working culture here in Msia is going to the dogs. Employers need to have some form of training before they make themselves management, I feel. Employees won't feel so 'left-to-slave-at-the-slaughterhouse' so much if such training were conducted.

On a lighter note, I had ice-cream today. Twice. So I'm feeling rather happy and content inside. *purr*

Friday, June 24, 2005

Cat in a Cocoon

I've always had difficulty expressing myself. And I've always known the reason why.

I never had the courage or confidence. I always feared rejection or worst, ridicule.

Lately I find myself withdrawing into myself. I know it's due to a few contributing factors. But anyhow the main one is due to uncertainty.

My heart trembles at the mere thought that I will be beginning a new life, a new phase, a new journey. It is frightening. It is humbling. I am only a mere gurl. Trying to find her way in this world full of complexities and intrigue. Whether it's of the good sort or the bad sort, I have no idea of finding out as I have no crystal ball. Even if I did, I'm not sure if I would dare look into my future. For fear of being struck by lightning.

But I also gather that I've not been listening to my inner voice for some time... yet I can't seem to be able to find time or place to do so... I'm almost avoiding having to listen to it. I almost want to burrow into a nice cocoon and remain there, comforted in the darkness and isolation.

I know where it will lead... to feelings of fear and despair, of knowing how utterly alone I am, of realising that I am afraid.

I know I have to keep my mind preoccupied. I am trying. But again, it will soon go down the thin path of deluding muself to keep sane or where I break down and go into a crazy spell, before I yank myself out by the hair and find myself dented, singed, and weary to the bone. If only I can be a hibernating rabbit...

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Another conundrum

Here’s the thing. When I’m having a job, I hate it. And I’ll be complaining that I don’t want a job, that I want more free time to myself. But when I’m free, I feel guilty. So I say that I want a job so that I can have more pocket money.

And when I get a job, the cycle pretty much repeats itself.

When will I be able to get a job when I want and like it, and not get a job when I don’t want to and don’t feel guilty about it?

Another conundrum

Here’s the thing. When I’m having a job, I hate it. And I’ll be complaining that I don’t want a job, that I want more free time to myself. But when I’m free, I feel guilty. So I say that I want a job so that I can have more pocket money.

And when I get a job, the cycle pretty much repeats itself.

When will I be able to get a job when I want and like it, and not get a job when I don’t want to and don’t feel guilty about it?

In trouble

I’m in trouble.

I intentionally took leave today so that I could finish my freelance work, however all day I couldn’t manage even half a page!! And now it’s 10.30pm, and I’m pounding frantically on the keyboard, in an attempt to finish it!!

*tearing hair and wailing in action here*

Friday, June 10, 2005


I'm gonna be quiet for awhile, cos my blogging time at work is totally gone.


Because some idiots who call themselves management went and installed this stupid tracking software into the server and selected computers.


Because they say that they want to protect company trade secrets.

What company trade secrets?

Precisely my point. Perhaps it's their fantastic and totally authentic way of faking their accent and their 'sincerity' when negotiating with clients.

So what now?

I've stopped visiting all blogsites because I refuse to let these idiots see my friends and they are idiotic enough to laugh at things they have no brain for understanding anything important for.

We don't know how long they are going to keep this programme... apparently it's a trial thing... they're too stingy to buy the programme yet.... But things are sure gonna be quiet on my side cos by the time I get back from work, I'm too beat to go online.

So meanwhile, take care of yourself people. Going to MISS YOU ALL!!!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

The haunting memory of my house

I dreamt of the old house again.

It’s amazing how dreams plays with memory, jumping over space and time, capturing the old and the new, combining them together, as if like some great narration, with no respect for chronological reality.

It’s been some time since I last dreamt of the old house. So much so that I was missing it some time ago. Not that I was worried, because I knew that I would always be haunted by the memory of it, by the realization that something was not resolved between the old dwelling and me. Even though I had been back one time long ago, it never drove any ghosts away.

The old house had turned into some sort of resting house for strangers. Yet the old master bedroom remained my father’s and we were living in it still. I remember looking across the small hallway and saw the retreating back of a renter, but I couldn’t tell if it was a man or woman. The shadows soon swallowed the person as she or he returned to the room that was once my bedroom.

My mother was there. Vaguely, at the back of my mind, I knew this to be strange because she hated being in any area that belonged to my father. Nevertheless, there she was, probably because he wasn’t there anyway.

We were waiting for something. Time to go somewhere, like a function or a dinner. But I didn’t care how short a time it was, because I was dying to look over my father’s possessions. Even as a child, I was always fascinated with the things I found or could not see in his room. I was always rummaging in his drawers. In the dreams, whenever I found myself in his room, I continue to have that childlike wonder.

This time I attacked his video collections. I knew he would have acquired many more movies. I drew file after file, looking for something interesting to watch; anime, thriller, action, but try as I could, I couldn’t find something that I would be satisfied to watch for 5 minutes!

I had a momentary emotional reaction, though, when I saw that he had kept my old spectacles and places it on top of one shelf, as though to ensure that he could see it daily.

The scene changed to that of the office. YS, MY, VH and a few others were there. The office concept was different; open, no partitioning, long tables, computers were on wider and more spacious table than in reality. My table was the last one at the end of the long tables, facing the back room that served as a pantry and storeroom.

Something in the angle of the computer made me wary of possible spies. It reflected so much of the current situation at work in reality that I knew all these were a mirror reflection of my thoughts. In addition, there was a protective plastic cover that covered all the computers in the office. Again, this reflects the knowledge that my company is planning to install a firewall and a software that will track our Internet activities.

There was also a mild argument over a leftover hamper from Body Shop which HR accused us of distributing among ourselves. A ludicrosy that I highlighted to the inept HR woman who barged in on my newspaper time in the backroom. Then I woke up.

I know there must be more to this dreaming of the old house, than what Dreammoods say. But I guess I can no more explain it than why I keep dreaming it. Hopefully one day someone can explain the logic to me.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

No heart

Lately I haven't had the heart to do much.... Perhaps it's that I've finally come to that stage where everything is in transition and so waiting for the next big thing to happen... like my migration....

In any case, to get over this sickening pressure in my throat, I'm determined to finish my feature article quickly... and then I'm taking leave.

Yes, I know, I'm a coward.

If only I could just take 3 days by myself, alone, somewhere far from people, where the trees and rivers speak to each other... where I can lie among the grass and sleep the day away and dream, really dream...

My dreams are even more restless now... That's why I exhaust myself till late before turning in to bed... that at least guarantees that I will be deadbeat and drop into Lala-land quick.

Not so good thing is that I woke up cranky as a she-bear...

Someone offered to do me an Astro chart... I believe my mood must be partially due to Jupiter descending upon my moon or my moon has collided with my sun... or something to that effect... Wish I studied Astrology...

Still... I need my beauty sleep.

Morpheus, I need more pillows. And hit me with some melatonin, pronto.