Wednesday, July 27, 2005

On a night like this...

... you begin to think too much.

I’ve been in a mixed emotions of sorts. In the past, I couldn’t quite control my emotions, very easily I succumb to despair and then I’ll be pit-deep in depression.

This time it's different.. like an eccentric auntie who knows that everyone avoids her, but still she likes to call up her relatives to find out how they are, kaypo, not really caring if one of them takes pity on her to offer to house her for the weekend or holiday, yet still lingers around the supermarket, the other relative's dinner gathering, on the other end of the phone ringing persistently.....

I guess after all that I’ve said above (which you probably dun understand at all, neither do I sometimes) is that I’m desperately lonely, afraid and tired.

Loneliness hits every now and then. Not so hard this time, but still hard to miss.

Been thinking of the people whom I would hate to not be able to talk to ... to hug.... I have a handful., but they're not around.... one's gone gallivanting to Afghanistan, one's gone hibernating in Canada, one's somewhere around in KL but elusive, one's enjoying in Melbourne, one's working her ass off somewhere in KL, one's all the way in spore juggling work and family and marriage, one's a bastard who's never really allowed me to come close in KL, one's somewhere in the world but not within my realm.... this last one is the one my soul yearns and keens for….

Times like this I wish I really had a cat whom I could grab and hug and cuddle whenever I’m hit with this mood. At the moment I can only hug Pierre… but he’s only a stuff cat… wish he were a real, warm cat…. Did I know I’d be like this when I was but a pre-teen who was scorning companionship? No, I didn’t. Ironic that I would look back and reflect on my ignorance…

I had a mild reflective and contemplative moment while I was up in Maxwell Hill… it was really like Perth during winter and I just sat on the bench outside the house and daydreamed of a life up in the peaceful and cool mountains, with mist swirling around and the birds and monkeys calling out to each other. With the huge boulders and tall trees standing around, I’d really felt as if I was in the ‘other realm’.

I haven’t spoken of my hike up Maxwell Hill because I wanted the photos together to narrate it. It was a great experience. Fun, ‘relaxing’ in another sort of way, and good for the soul who loves contemplating. I also felt that it reaffirmed my belief that we are not alone in this world. There really are other ‘things’ with us. I guess the recent experience with the spirit has made me somber as well… though God knows why.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Flowers for the grave

I like to ask people what kind of flowers they like; one being I'm curious about who likes what kind of flowers - tells what kind of character they are; two, in the event of their death, I can give them their favourite flowers instead of the standardwhite roses or white carnations.

Is that morbid of me? I certainly would prefer my favourite flowers on my grave instead of plain white flowers.

I like yellow roses, white chrysanthemums, lavender and lipstick tulips.

My senior writer is already on the way to Afghanistan. For about a month or so. Just his luck to get sent to interesting places... First it was tsunamis. Now it's snipers. It's a great challenge and experience. If I were in his shoes, I would jump at the opportunity myself.

Just in case, I asked him what his favourite flowers were. He didn't have any. *blerk*

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

About a hill, a leach and a spirit

I've been busy, sick and up climbing and hiking in the mountains. Well, they call it a hill but I believe it was a mountain!!!!

Took fake MC to go mountain hiking - up Maxwell Hill - with my colleagues and ex-colleagues.

Where we found out the hard way that a mountain called a hill is still a mountain.

Where we 'met' two leaches - we salted one of them to death! muahahahahhahaaaa.....

Where we 'bumped' into the third 'kind'.

Where we had BBQ, fun, bonding and good food.

Will talk more about it later in more detail about the mountain, the leaches and the, yes, spirit(s) that 'visited' us at the resthouse. Plus upload some photos. So meanwhile, take care you all!!!

*muck* muck*

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Some people need shaking

I just wanted to say this, that I truly do feel ashamed of myself now, for what I used to do.

And I can only say this after I've seen someone else do it and I hated it. I wish someone shook me then, but I guess noone dared.

Like how I didn't dare do it to my colleague today.

She was moping since the minute she walked into the office and refused to lighten up, so much that I wanted to shake her violently. I used to be like her, but I do think that I covered up my depression or unhappiness more than she. But I really didn't know how to cheer her up and I recognised that she didn't want anyone to say anything. So I just played her favourite songs and tried to poke fun at her to make her more lively.

But I did realised that she was worried over another job's interview, or rather, lack of interview communication. She's been waiting since last week for the manager to call her but, no call. I told her she needed to toughen up, cos that's life. If you're lucky, you're lucky.

Maybe next time I really will shake her....

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I was wicked today

Not that kind.

I feel evil today. Cos I dedicated 3 songs to my colleague. Hahahhaaa.. My colleagues and I had been trying to c0nvince her to be more bold and to apply for this vacancy. But she's so indecisive and so timid. So I played 3 songs on my music list and dedicated it to her.

1. Time to say goodbye - Sarah Brightman

2. Show me the meaning of being lonely - Backstreet Boys

3. Wo yao fei (I want to fly) - F.I.R.

She gave me a look and said I was not nice! hahahahhahahahaaaa................

Friday, July 01, 2005

I want to be closer to my brother

I’ve always pondered on the incidence of people being closer to extended family members, such as cousins, in-laws, but never so with their own siblings. I’ve always found it to be true but sad, and have tried to attain a closer relationship with my own sibling. But have failed to do so.

The world is a small place now and human relationships can’t help but be more intertwined and complicated.

Today I had lunch with my newfound cousin and her parents. My impression of them were deeper than the others, though admittedly little anyway. But I’ve found them very good company, good people. My cousin especially, who is only 18, bubbly, cheerful like the sun and restless like a jay. Her father, my father’s closest cousin, was an amiable fellow. Her mother serene and full of smiles.

Besides this cousin, I found another cousin who is equally boisterous. Certainly I could not have found a more happy and companionable pair. And they have taken to me just as excitedly.

This other cousin has admitted that he is not close to his sister.

My uncle has admitted that he was very close with my late uncle.

And while I am not very distant with my own brother, I found that I am more familiar with my other cousin. I would love to have a closer and intimate relationship with my brother, because he is after all, my only sibling, and when my parents are gone, I’ll have no real family but him. I am not that naïve in thinking my friends or close cousins will always be there for me. And so I am grateful to have a brother. While he does drive me crazy with his behaviour, I’ve accepted and also embraced the idea of him living with me full time. I can see us living together in the future. I may or may not have a partner then, with children, but at least, I can see us making a life together. Thank God he’s independent. At least I don’t need watch over him like an eagle… just like a dog, that’s all. As long as he has work and he enjoys his cartoons, movies, eating and going out occasionally, I don’t think I’ll have much problems living with an autistic sibling.