Numbness of the heart and mind
Nothing much to write today.
I applied for the Bon Odori.
I’m going for yoga tonight to relax the mind and body.
Idiot of a writer is still a pain.
Oh, and I'm meeting Kev this Thursday. Haven't seen him in donkey years, I think.
Woke up to…: ‘Three times a lady’ by Kenny Rogers
Listening: ‘Zuraya’ by Zuraya
An Ipohrian chick. Very nice. But not popular. In fact, I cannot find her album anywhere anymore. Thank God I bought my own copy. Phew… but need to contact SONY or EMI about where she is now… I think she’s good. Hope she’s still performing.
Feeling: Numb. Nothing could change…
I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away
I’m beginning to wonder if half the time I have a ritual cold war with my mom is because I was spoiling for a fight…
I mean, I knew at the back and front of my mind that if I talk, if I made any expressions, if I was too particular over something, if I was too negligent, if I was too lazy, if I was too indifferent, that all these would trigger one off. But I can only hold my guard for that long.
So once in awhile, I let down my guard, because I was tired of being over-wary and frustrated for not being able to express my feelings. Which always lands me in trouble, because she cannot accept the things I feel and say, oft times. And I hate the fact that I always have to be the one to hold back.
When ‘Reflection’ came out, I felt the words resound in me. It was
me.
Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday
it's as if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
but I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight back at me
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
Only difference is, while Mulan was talking about hiding what she a girl can do, I am talking about me not being able to be the person that I really am, with my mom.
The happiest time of my life was when I was in Perth. There, I could be my own person. But even then, it was hard to come out of myself because I’ve been too conditioned to be who I am today. Wary, cynical, isolationist, lurker, masked.
Yes, little hawk. It is time to fly.
Woke up to…: ‘Where do broken hearts go’ by Whitney Houston
Feeling: Reflecting inwards, trying to figure out who I am
Going to…: Sign up for Bon Odori
All alone
There comes a point in time when a woman knows when she is alone, utterly alone in her daily toils and trials. No amount of sympathy or condolences express can ease the burden or the knowledge that she still has her cross to bear.
All the kindred spirits and best friends and similar-condition persons can congregate and offer their verbal support and sympathies. But the fact of the matter is, the existing problem is hers and hers alone. That is why, it sometimes is meaningless to talk about, or share, what is wrong.
It is not out of desire to look like a martyr. No, I firmly protest. It is not to make the other person feel guilty or helpless. It is not to make them feel how proud and brave you are. It is not so that they can whisper behind your back and talk about how nobly you carry the weight or burden.
I, sincerely, honestly, candidly, protest that it is not all of the above.
What will talking about it do? What will moaning about it do? What will raging about it do? What will crying about it do?
Well, sometimes weeping silently does help ease the weight off the chest, when no one is around to see or hear.
While I haven't had the desire to do away with myself in a while now, it is not too far away from my mind always. Sometimes I can believe that is not the solution. Sometimes I don’t care. Even if it means that I will be reborn into another life as punishment and atonement for not appreciating the life that God bestowed on me, I don’t care, for it means I can escape the present one now.
But I haven't had that urge in a while... even though, it is usually my mother who triggers that emotion. I’ve taken a more philosophical approach. All this must be atonement for my past lives’ sins. I don’t know if my previous person was able to see past the pain and illogic, but I can today. And I hope I can be a better person at the end of my life.
Woke up to…: ‘Invisible’ by Clay Aiken
Reading: ‘By the Sword’ by Mercedes Lackey
Feeling: Sad...
Working on…: My mom’s digital camera
Which doesn’t seem to be able to take more than 20 pictures. Hence she brought it back for me to fix. Trying to figure out where the resolution command is.
What a difference a leisurely day makes!
Oh happy day! Did nothing but eat, read and watch TV.
Slept in. Woke up feeling much better. Decided that today was a day of rest.
I managed to wash all my clothes. ‘Sides, it was hot! A good day to clean and dry.
I managed to finish half of ‘By the Sword’. I should be able to finish it by the end of the week.
Got an email asking for translation. But I’d already said I didn’t want to do anymore this month. Still, they persisted and asked if I could do it, if the deadline was next month.
Temptation. After all, a job means money. And since deadline was next month, shouldn’t I be able to handle it?
Still thinking. I do value my private time at night. I’ve always hated the ‘rushed’ feeling at night when I sit down to work on a translation. And it is always when it clashes with my work, when I thought initially that it didn’t!! sigh… got to think this over the weekend and give my answer by Monday.
But still, it was a good day today! And Jasmine is out of American Idol! What more could a gurl ask for?
*blissful sigh*
Woke up to…: ‘Sailing’ by Rod Stewart
Reading: ‘By the Sword’ by Mercedes Lackey
Watched: ‘Americal Idol’
Very happy that Jasmine is finally out. Should have been out long time ago. The gurl’s voice is weak and ‘there isn't a connection’. Go, Simon!
Physically drained and mentally strained
Not feeling good. Feel like a walking corpse. Thought of taking MC today but then remembered that that stupid woman was supposed to submit all her work today. Wanted to take leave to recharge, but can’t yet. Have to finish off the pending stuff for June before I can go on leave with a peaceful mind.
I think all the frustrations and workload is finally making itself known to my body. I think my reserves are almost nil and I haven’t been eating well for the past week, too. No appetite and no mood to eat.
My writer has been a nuisance; being a busybody, making idiotic comments about things that don’t concern him, questioning my authority, showing lack of loyalty towards the magazine and accusing me of ‘trying to score brownie points’ with management.
I told my management that I was accused of sucking up to her, and she looked at me puzzled.
“But I hardly talk to you on a daily basis!” she said.
Enough said.
I cannot, for the life of me, understand how anyone can accuse me of kissing management’s ass. I hate people who kiss ass, and I wouldn’t know how to kiss ass to save my life! And I hate people who say I do. And this is not the first time he has said that I suck up to management. This would be the 4th or 5th time. If he says it one more time, I will not let it pass.
I’m supposed to have a function to attend in the afternoon. I don’t think I have the energy for it. Especially when today is the last day of the Jap course. Yesterday I was exhausted in class. But at least taking the LRT is convenient. Still, going down into KL city is so stressful…
Woke up to…: ‘Mad world’ by Gary Jules, theme for Donnie Darko.
I wake up to a song every morning. The first thing I hear when I become alert is the strains of a song. I’ve been living with this since the later part of my life, perhaps since secondary schools days. I took it for granted. But later it struck me as odd. And so I began taking note of the songs that play in head.
Listening: ‘Mad world’ by Gary Jules, theme for Donnie Darko (
hehe)
Working: On my supernatural fiction
NewMan party @ atmosphere sucked!
Well… it wasn’t much of a party really. Just a DJ spinning music and people smoking and laughing and drinking and me feeling “Is this it?!”. But I did like the music. Just wish that it had more atmosphere. Haha. Pun intended.
But I liked last night ‘cos it was the closest thing to ‘hanging out’ with my colleagues. And come on. We’re all young people. We all need to let down our hair once in a while. Work is work. After work is after work. Yes… despite the boring programme, I enjoyed last night. And I also discovered that I dislike Guiness Stout. Great, another addition to my ‘
Dislike’ list. Beer, bitches and brew.
I’m a little stoned this morning ‘cos last night I didn’t get to eat dinner before going off to atmosphere. Plus this morning I woke up early. God knows why, ‘cos I usually sleep in a little later when I’ve been out late. But at 6am I was wide awake. So I dragged my butt out of bed by 6.30am and got ready for work. Was in the office by 7.20am. But couldn’t sleep at my desk!!! Aaarrggh! I usually can sleep at the desk. I think it was because I was hungry!! Hahahaaa… stomach growling, refused to let me sleep. “Eat! I demand food! No sleep for you!”
I think I will try and take it easy today. And today I have to go down to Hang Lekiu for my Jap course somemore. Sigh… what shall I eat for dinner…
Listening: “Forbidden Colours” by David Sylvian
Feeling: A little stoned from the late night of the party
Going to...: Buy scarfs for my 2 colleagues who have resigned later
Long lost ppl to catch up with: JY, XiLyn and GinPoh
Keep passing the open windows
Ok!! That was so not sincere on my part at all!! It's been almost...what? 2 months? that I said I wanted to be more diligent in posting? Sigh...
I haven't been myself lately. I had a bad hit of depression in early April. So bad that my colleague noticed and said that I needed to get help quickly. So we went and met this Bach flower remedies lady and man, did it help! Flower power!
So I had a little help and I was okay. But I guess the things happening in the office wasn't helping me get better that much, and I had another ritual cold war with my mom and I went flying over the edge. Really flew, and plummeted.
I quickly went back to the Bach lady again. This time with my best friend, becos she needed help as well. And we ended up bawling our eyes out, lumping all our grievances and pain to her. Poor Suesie.
But I had another goal in mind when I went to see her again. I wanted to get some remedies for my mom. It should have occured to me long ago, but I guess I was too consumed with myself (again, selfish). So after telling Suesie about myself, my relationship with my mom, she fixed a batch for my mom, which I've been putting into her drink everynight if I can. I usually do this at night, when she's gone to bed, and I will put in about say, 12 drops, into the water bottle she drinks from. I don't know if it helped.. I hope it did. And I guess I shall continue doing this while I'm still around here in KL. I'm pondering the possibilities of getting my brother into continuing to do this after I go over to Australia...
Loads of shitty stuff's been happening in the office. Made me feel like getting out of the working force totally, and just be a freelancer. I hate office politics. I can't play politics to save my life and I don't want to learn how to play it, even though my friend told me to 'wisely' buckle down and take some notes.
No. I refuse to learn. I refuse to participate. I refuse to contribute. I refuse to start learning. I refuse to acknowledge that it needs to be played. If that makes me a coward, then so be it. If that makes me weak, then you're stupid.
I was so distraught that I put up a sign next to my yahoo messenger nick
'Give up'.
Someone wise messaged me. And below is the 'conversation':-
ML: "keep passing the open window"
me: meaning?
ML: think about it
me: .....
me: *thinking*
ML:
Do you know what it's like to be alone in this world
When you're down and out on your luck and you're a failure?
Wake up screaming in the middle of the night
You think it's all been a waste of time
It's been a bad year
You start believing ev'rything's gonna be alright
Next minute you're down and you're flat on your back
A brand new day is beginning
Get that sunny feeling and you're on your way
Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
Just believe - just keep passing the open windows
ML: lyrics by Freddie Mercury
ML: ie. don't give up
And I felt better... Perhaps I shouldn't be so weak and easily put down by idiotic people. I suppose it's all necessary for the circle of life that revolves around some invisible entity that dishes out Fates like tasteless soup in a homeless shelter. And perhaps I should buck up and try to elbow my way into that soup canteen and
be the one to boil a better tasting soup.
Listening: “There must be more to life” by Freddy Mercury
Reading: Halfway – ‘By the sword’ by Mercedes Lackey and ‘Sophie’s World’ by Jostein Gaarder.
Going to...: Attend a 3-day course on Spoken Japanese and the 1st Anniversary Party of NewMan.
Wishing: I could be stronger in spirit
