Countdown: 6 days till Melbourne
I started thinking of this yesterday, that my time is really running short and that I have less than a week.
Am I excited? Hell, no, not yet. I’m just panicky.
Which is my fault because I have incomplete work, that I must endeavour finishing before I leave on that jet plane.
Are my bags packed? Hell, no. I think I’ll only work on it next Tuesday.
Because I cannot afford to leave the mess undone in the study room, till that’s clear, I can’t clear clothes for the luggage.
Have I said goodbye to all my friends? Hell, no. I haven’t seen most, and the most regretful part is that I haven’t seen my beloveds.
One's still in Kabul, one might or might not be able to meet me this Sunday, one is not free. That’s the only thing that I hate myself for. Due to my inefficient packing methods and poor time management, I had to cancel a dinner with one of my beloveds…
I haven’t even seen my father in Ipoh - one more time. Which I’m going to do on Monday. Alas, I will only be able to spend one day with him. Maybe only one night. I have to be back on Tuesday to pack my luggage after all.
Am I excited?
If I stopped my chaotic mind for awhile and sat down and thought about it… YES!!! This time, next week, I would be in Melbourne!! Doing god-knows-what but I know I’ll probably be dazed with the realization that I’m free there!
Of course, I have to come down from the clouds and euphoria because my mom is still having that cold war with me… which will probably last until the morning I leave for the airport, if so, I’m not the least bit surprised. And right now, I’m immune to any feelings about this. *shrug* Can't do anything about it... that's why I'm leaving the country in the first place.
Now tomorrow, by hook or by crook, I have to finish the articles………………one thing’s for certain, I’m glad that there are no more books around to distract me….. … Thank god! I put them all at my best friend’s place!!
Going crazy
I'm going crazy... I really am... what with clearing the mess for dumping and keeping at my best friend's place, and settling the pertinent affairs, and juggling my mom, and trying to see the people I need to one last time, not to mention my father in Ipoh... I'm going insane here..... Today I felt this urge to stop and either scream or cry out loud ..... and I had to bottle it up hurriedly before it got lose......
I'm going crazy here.... did I know it would be this mad when I decided to migrate? ... no... I'm sure I didn't...
Why I hate my mom - Part II
“I’m sorry, ma, please don’t be angry with me. Please talk to me.”
Silence.
“Please, ma, I’m sorry I upset you. Please don’t be angry with me.”
Silence.
“I’m sorry I irritated you, ma. Please forgive me.”
Silence.
“Please, ma. Please talk to me. I’m leaving in less than 2 weeks. I don’t want us to be like this.”
Silence.
“You remember this – don’t think just because you are leaving, you have wings, you are free, you can keep quiet. I hate it. I hate you doing it.”
What the fuck are you talking about?
“Oh you think you are grand and grown up so you can afford to keep quiet.”
What keep quiet? I’ve been apologizing to you for the whole week!
“I’m sorry, ma, that I upset you. I didn’t mean to keep quiet. Please forgive me.”
“If you think you can keep quiet a day, I can keep quiet a week. You think you can keep quiet longer, I can do it longer than you.”
What the fuck is wrong with you?
“Think you can keep quiet longer than, go ahead.”
What is fucking wrong with you?
“Please don’t be angry with me, ma. I’m sorry I kept quiet.”
The only day I didn’t apologise to you was last night and that’s because I had come back late from dinner outside and you were already in bed and I had a fucking headache so I went to bed. What the fuck is wrong with you!?!!
“I hate it when you think you can take a few days leave from apologizing and keep quiet. We see who can keep quiet longer.”
“Ma, please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“You please get out of my sight. I don’t need you to apologise when you feel like it and keep quiet when you feel like it. One of these days I’m going to lose control and bash you up.”
Silence.
I don’t have a natural relationship with my mom. I hope and pray to God that I don’t have this kind of relationship with my own daughter when the day comes that I have one or two or a dozen, God willing. Because I will fucking kill myself before I subject my children to this kind of fucked up relationship.
Why I hate my mom
I hate it! Everytime she does this!
Just before my departure for Perth for studies, she has to throw a tantrum.
Whenever I make a tentative date for leaving for Melbourne, she throws a fit.
Right before we flew over to Melbourne for my first entry, she had to pick a fight.
Just when I decided to leave for Australia, she has to start a cold war. Over what I don’t know.
I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!
Why does she have to do this everytime?!!! I’m leaving in less than 14 days and she’s not talking to me and not responding to anything I do!!! Doesn’t she see that she’s wasting time?!! Precious time to talk with me, chat with me, bond with me before I leave, because she will not see me for the next 2 years at least?!!! What is wrong with her?!!!
Between packing and clearing my stuff (which she insisted that I throw, sell or move to my best friend’s house, otherwise one day when she’s in a bad mood she will just up and throw them herself!! Talk about not belonging to a home that’s supposed to be my home, as she claims!! Er, HELLO!!! I don’t feel like it’s MY home!!) I don’t need these petty things happening in my life!! Not to mention that I have to settle more pertinent matters such as changing the beneficiary name to my brother and settling my income tax and insurance!!! I DON’T NEED THIS!!! ARRGGH!!
The days are counting down, CAN’T SHE GROW UP AND GET A GRIP?!!!!!!
Pictures of moments gone by
Let me tell you about the story of a gurl who liked taking pictures of things and people she saw and liked. She carried a camera in her bag, even in school, and took pictures of her classmates and funny scenes and trees and cats and group photos, everyday. To the point where her friends would groan just at the mere gesture of her hands reaching into the bag for the camera, and say, ‘Jenn, enough!’
But it’s never enough for this gurl. Cos she just loved capturing moments. And also because she had an idea of capturing moments of 2 particular friends, with the hope and anticipation that she could create a scrapbook of how these 2 lovebirds met and finally walked down the aisle and present it to them as her wedding present. It was to be a gift of love from her.
Alas. The 2 lovebirds broke up. Of course her heart was shattered. Over the break-up. And it seemed her brilliant idea broke into pieces too.
But really, what this gurl wanted to inspire others to do the same. Who knows when we might need this photo or that from college, or university or working for a wedding multimedia show at the dinner?
I just returned from my uni-mate’s wedding in JB. She was also my ‘kailui’. I was the unofficial ‘kaima’. And as I sat there watching the multimedia show of her and her husband, it occurred to me that, if such a day should happen to me in this lifetime, I were so lucky, that I wouldn’t have any photos at all in my teenage years. No one ever bothered to take any of me then.
Oh sure, there were the token childhood pictures that parents took, and a few here and there in the early teens, and some taken when I was in uni and working. But in between… I have nothing. How to show chronological growing years when there are no pictures to document it?
I tried, and am still, to take care of this problem. The solution was to carry the camera around during my college years. But in my working days it grew less. Especially with the advent of digital cameras. I'm not thick-skinned enough to not feel embarrased carrying a normal camera around while everyone around me is carrying digitals and getting smaller by the minute!! I'm ashamed to be seen carrying the big bulky one still... But I hope that I can save enough for a digital camera and buy one for myself and take more photos as I go along my life. I believe that one day when I’m old and lonely, the photos willl be the only companions I’ll ever have.
Where did it go?
I had lunch, well, sorta, with a friend, an ex-colleague who is based in Melaka. He had a meeting in KL and came up and on the spur of the moment called me out for lunch. I had already eaten, but I thought since I haven’t seen him in a month, oh well, what the heck.
He ate. I watched. We talked. The usual shit stuff we talk about, in our own special vernacular, which only we and a few others in my circle would appreciate. But then again, he is one of my circle.
Then we went jalan-jalan in 1U. And there as I enquired about his gf, he broke the news of the break-up. I nearly fell off the escalator!
This is the guy who went away to US to study for 3 years and still managed to maintain the relationship. But when he came back for work, it began to fall apart.
My personal inner worry is this – when and why does a relationship fall apart, in spite of having endured long distance?
It plagues my mind… this whole relationship break-up… I think I have a subconscious phobia of relationships… I’m afraid I’ve developed a fear of being in one…
Who’s to stop the other party from saying, I can’t find the love anymore.
"Where did it go?"
"I don’t know how it slowly dissipated… it was dying slowly, without me knowing… I only realized when it was totally gone… "
And so it isJust like you said it would beLife goes easy on meMost of the timeAnd so it isThe shorter storyNo love, no gloryNo hero in her skyI can't take my eyes off of youI can't take my eyes off youI can't take my eyes off of youI can't take my eyes off youI can't take my eyes off youI can't take my eyes...And so it isJust like you said it should beWe'll both forget the breezeMost of the timeAnd so it isThe colder waterThe blower's daughterThe pupil in denialI can't take my eyes off of youI can't take my eyes off youI can't take my eyes off of youI can't take my eyes off youI can't take my eyes off youI can't take my eyes...Did I say that I loathe you?Did I say that I want toLeave it all behind?I can't take my mind off of youI can't take my mind off youI can't take my mind off of youI can't take my mind off youI can't take my mind off youI can't take my mind...My mind...my mind...'Til I find somebody new
My hiking trip
Maxwell Hill / Bukit Larut
I think if I had realised that I was going to climb Maxwell Hill, I would have balked a bit... as it was, when I saw this sign, I stood there, gaping, the brain suddenly gone blank.
Into the hills
How am I getting up there?!
Many times as I climbed, this went through my head, "How long more do we have to go?!!" It was bloody high and got steeper as we went. At some parts I literally had to grab the roots and barks to haul myself over the waist -high roots and footholds.
Eerie house on the hill at Tea Garden
Land of the Fey
If you have any doubts about the other worldly-ness of this place, doubt no more. We could never be alone. Not here. As I mentioned, we did have a 'visit' from the 'existing' occupants.
I have always been fascinated with spirits, probably because I think I had an encounter with one in my childhood (that's another story), and because my mom did (also another one) and that this was something that touched all family members (yet another one!).
Because I didn't sleep enough the night before, I went to wash up and prepare for bed while the others continued playing cards and drinking wine. (Yes, I carried a bottle up).
I felt this near-chill along my arms as I was brushing my teeth, as if I wasn't alone in the room. I didn't dare look in the mirror, but walked to my bag and took my rosary and put it onto the bed, and then the sensation disappeared. I then went to bed.
The next morning, my other colleagues shared their experiences. Apparently my colleague YS, who was sleeping next to me, heard someone come into our room, paced beside our bed, and stopped by the bed, giving her the feeling that whoever it was was looking at the occupants in the bed, and then the footsteps left the room to go to the next room.
In the next room, my 3 other colleagues said that they felt the bed shake, gently, like someone who sat on the bed and was trying to shift into a more comfortable position. That kind of shaky movement. And then one by one, from the inside, to the outside, to the centre, the bed vibrated. They didn't dare say anything, but this all came gushing out the next morning as we had breakfast.
My colleague YS questioned the other 3 on whether or not one of them had come into our room to look at us, but they all vehemently denied, cos they were frightened as it is with what was happening in their room! They couldn't sleep well the whole night. On the other hand, I never slept better! Even though I had that sensation of being watched in the room.
Cellar bathroom
This is my colleague SM, in the bathroom, which was sunken in, with steps going down. In Cantonese it's called 'de har shet', meaning undergound room. It was rather quaint, with a shower heater and the ceramic basin which had the most delightfully cold water (which I used instead of the heater). Yet we all unanimously agreed to leave the door open while bathing!
BBQ!! Roti bakar, chocolate marshmallow, sambal fishballs.
On top of the city
The next morning we stood in awe at the clouds lying white and clean above the city of Taiping below... it was a stunning sight... you couldn't help but wonder if you could walk on clouds.
Mermaid on the rock... NOT!!!
There were these huge rocks and boulders that we all climbed (after asking for permission of course) and took pictures. I was trying to reanact the little mermaid but failed miserably!
Roses and lavenders
Yes, those are lavenders behind us. This was taken at the only Tulip Showhouse in Malaysia, but alas, we were 2 months too early. In September only will the tulips flower and bloom, so as we were sitting there attempting to poses as roses, the tulips were sleeping in a freezer. Apparently our PM had already booked the resthouse to view the tulips in Sept.
Are you a cabbage or a cauliflower?
Today I reviewed a recipe book of vegetarian dishes and one of the dishes was 'Brocolli and Cauliflower Gratin', quite easy to make. Every dish has a write-up about its nutrients and flavouring. Let me quote the write-up about this dish.
Cauliflower's resemblance to the human brain may have been the cause of American author and humorist Mark Twain's remark that Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.I hope that I am a cauliflower!!
And it feels good
I finally threw my letter last Friday.
My editor seemed to take it well. So did my CEO. Ah well, I couldn’t be bothered.
But I feel so much lighter… like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Yes, I have to clear my outstanding articles, but still… I’m leaving!! And my last day is next Tuesday, cos I had 16 and a half days leave left! Woo-hoo!
I’ve booked my ticket for the 1st Sept. Will be paying for it soon. I’m just so excited…. I cannot believe that I’m finally going. My friends are still going, “You sure or not?! I heard that before.”
YES. I’m going.
I can imagine a lot of scenarios of what I’ll be doing once I’m there. But sometimes I stop myself from thinking and predicting of the days ahead and just hug myself and chant, “I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.”
I’m going to enjoy. Live in the moment. Try everything once. Let go of all inhibitions.
I don’t even want to think too much or plan too much. I wanna let it happen naturally. I hope that I can make every moment precious.
