Shouldnt have come to work
Head hurts Head hurts Head hurts Head hurts Head hurts Head hurts Head hurts ..........
Came to work cos been away for 3 days. Worried lah. Conscientuous little me.
And my head hurts like the seven hells.
Going home at sharp 5.30pm. Absolutely.
Crack gurl too sick to blog
I've been extremely ill since Sat evening. Hit me so quick I didnt have toime to say 'what?'
High fever, twitching headache, cough, whole body aching.
And I'm allergic to all painkillers. Even if I saw the doc he couldnt give me any painkillers to lower the fever.
Finally the headache was so bad I went to see a doc. He asked me what kind of painkillers I had tried and couldnt take and then prescribe me this steroid painkiller. The type that was made from cocaine.
"Cocaine? Doc, did I hear you right? Cociane?"
"Dun worry. You won't be addicted to it. It will help with ur pain only."
I walked out, head pounding, my mom held on to my arm to keep me from swaying.
"Great," I muttered, "I've become a crack gurl." My mom laughed.
Been on MC since Monday. Bet my editor is hopping at my absence. The fever just went away last night. But the head's still pounding. But think I might be able to go in tomorow.
Ok. Head pounding. Gotta go.
I'm going on leave on Monday because I have to do something more than ten years overdue.
I'm going to check out this lump in my armpit.
Oh, I've had it for quite awhile now. I don't even remember the exact year I found it. But I remember it was when I was studying in Spore, and that was between 1991 - 1995. But I remember finding it in the shower cos the bathroom is not exactly what you call a very nice bathroom.
I'm not really scared. I was when I found it. But like most women, I guessed I was in denial and I was too scared to see the doctor to find out what it was.
Eventually I forgot about it after worrying when I would suddenly fall sick and become diagnosed with cancer.
Then I remmebered.
Then I forgot. And so it was that it became 2 years, then 5, then now.
It hasn't changed size. That's the thing. And it doesn't hurt. But the thing is, most cancers don't have pain in the early stages. And it could take up to 5 to 10 years before it manifests itself as a cancer of some sort.
So now I'm going for a check up. I don't want to think about it much. I don't want to be scared. I'm just gonna get it checked and then see what the results say later.
Just came back from an evening out with the gurls.
It was raining kittens and puppies. But I love it. It’s the rainy season now, according to my gurlfren A., as we sped towards the mamak
restaurant Rasta (we were late) to meet another gurlfren MS. for dinner, because it’s the Nine God Birthday festival (Gao Wong Tan), and it always rains the whole month.
Anyhow reached there and had dinner. MS. had wanted to meet cos she wanted to moan about her current failed relationship with a jerk of a player. My fren A. had warned her but she refused to listen. Now she’s fallen
in love with the bugger and she can’t seem to forget about his dick, oops, him, and we were trying to convince her to get over him and find someone better. She keeps saying his dick is huge and yummy. *groan* Everything throughout dinner, and drinks later, reminded her of him. man
Then we adjourned to this really nice pub-cum-bistro place called Bernard’s. it’s a lovely place. I like it a lot. Even though old ah pehs go there. Used to hang out there with another fren, but stopped going for awhile bcos of work. But it’s a good place to hang out and drink and play pool.
And met another fren ML. there. But didn’t go over to her cos I didn’t think it was good to interrupt what seemed like a date to me. And I smsed her even though she was just a stone’s throw away! Lol…
Me: is this your date?
ML: no, he’s not here yet.
Ok. My frens and I started to request songs cos the band was rather good. They call themselves the President’s Men. Ok. Nice name, I thought. We chatted a bit, then unanimously agreed to go for a round of pool before heading off. ML. came over just as I was about to enter the pool room. She looked a bit tipsy.
Me: you… are you drunk?
Ml: how can you tell?
With the band playing on, I didn’t want to shout in her ear that she had this overly bright look in her eyes. Reminded me of the time my 'god-daughter' got drunk and ended up sleeping with this junior of mine long ago in Australia. Ah well…
I’m hopeless at pool. My arms don’t have the strength to hit the ball surely to enter the net. Naturally one game took longer than what others would spend on one game. The other table were these two guys. One was a skinny Chinese/Malay looking guy and the other was this really hunky (as in meaty, not good-looking) mixed-raced guy. He was nice. Now and then he made a joke to the room in general, which was just we 3 gurls and him and his buddy! Lol…But we had fun.
When the black ball went into the net, we agreed to pack up the cues and leave. I bumped into ML outside and she was definitely drunk by then. She was swaying. I had to grab her arm a bit when we crossed each other.
Me: you okay?? you can drive or not?
(didn't sound very convincing to me though)
Me: alright. I’ll talk to you tomorrow then. Be careful you dun get ‘eaten’.
Then again, I wouldn’t mind being ‘eaten’ by someone nice. If I can find one. And she’s looking for someone nice too.
Ok. Eyes drooping. Stamina hasn’t been the same since my major illness early this year. sigh…
Pictures of Yosakoi Boleh! 3
Er... the sequence is the other side up. ahahhaaaa....
Mugshot. See how relieved I am! My hands shook for a minute before it all started. But then I slowly slided into that familiarity of public speaking.
After everything was over; in an exuberant mood.
That's me with the mic. The two fellows in red sitting are from the Japan Language Society, Malaysia and the Embassy of Japan, respectively.
The Japan Club ladies in red. Students in yellow.
Presenting the Yosakoi Dance Parade.
Still feeling strange
Well, for starters, the money isn't coming in yet. And I'm not too happy about that cos apparently the client got itchy-assed and decided to make some changes, and hence the original money will be revised, which means it will be delayed.
Not happy at all.
Would still be, if not for this funny story from my teddy bear.
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a few gorgeous homes complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
I wouldn't mind being suckered like that. I really won't.
Ok, I'm going for yoga tonight to meditate.
In a funk of a mood
Can’t quite capture this mood with a single word. The best I can come up with is ‘funk’.
My best fren asked what ‘funk’ meant. Even I can’t exactly explain it. Dun think it’s in the dict.
Started with the morning cause I didn’t sleep well at all last night.
My online buddy asked if it was because I was horny. Is that even a valid reason??!
Then I put off having breakfast till 10 and I sorta pulled my designers to have breakfast with me.
Which was fine with them cos they love going against the rules anyway. I’m gonna miss them cos who’s gonna do this with me when they’re gone?
Naturally lunchtime came and I wasn’t hungry. So I started pacing my office, cause my stupid pc has this 1pm scan that stops any other functions from working for 15 minutes.
And I found myself wandering one round in the office, proceeded to walk to the stairwell, up one floor, and took the lift back down to my floor. And went on another round inside the office.
Scan still not done.
At 2 my stomach started growling. And I forced myself to walk downstairs to buy something to eat. I hate eating everyday, cos I never know what to eat. I usually end up not eating properly as a result. Now, if only I had my own personal caterer that didn’t need me to decide what to eat. Hahahhaa… I would make a poor castellaine, indeed. lol.....
It’s 4. And I’m still in some sort of funk… there goes that word again.
Suddenly I feel like dancing George Michael’s ‘Desafino’… *swaying* … is that the correct spelling even??
One happy thing is that I will be getting some portion of the money for a project soon. Which it’s nothing to be ecstatic about either cos the first thing it’s gonna do is pay debts!
Life is too short
Life is too short to get fucked up by matters that really are trivial at the end of the day.
To prove my point, let me tell you about my gurlfren, who recently got diagnosed with thyroid
She’s only 26.
How did she get thyroid?
First of all, she is quite a sickly person, has asthma (smokes in spite of that), and has a stupid job as a media planner that dictates her to work almost 7 days a week, till 5am in the morning, and is constantly being rushed to finish up her various accounts’ budgeting by her company which refuses to employ more people to even out the workload.
Next, of course, is because she thinks she’s young, she can handle the pressure.
Third, of course, is that the company says that she’s young and should handle work pressures now, if not when?
Fourth, she gets this nagging lump in the neck whenever she’s under enormous stress. Should already have been more alert whenever this happened, isn’t it?
So she has been working in this kind of environment, suffering through heavy workload, suffering at the hands of insensitive bosses and been hard-headed over her illnesses. And still smoking like a chimney.
I keep telling her that she has to take it easy or else she would end up very, very sick one day.
Imagine my shock when she messaged me to say that she had resigned from her crummy job and that she had thyroid.
So today she’s worried that she cannot find another job within 3 months, a job that is not as stressful as hers, a job that she likes. But at least, today, she knows that working too hard for the company is so not worth it. And the poor thing now has to be absolutely careful about overstressing, because once you have thyroid, you are extremely vulnerable to loads of other problematic diseases.
Now she has to take both herbal medicine and western pills to fight this, and on top of that, she is going back to her hometown for acupuncture. And she has to watch her diet too. All this for the duration of approximate 3 months or more. Before it can be completely cured. Even then, she still has to be careful of relapse.
The good thing is, she's quiting smoking, by gradually cutting down her daily nicotine intake.
To all my friends out there, please take care of your health. It is not worth slaving and stressing out over work. Work is important, yes, it brings home bread, bacon and butter. But at the expense of your health? Like my 26 year old thyroid friend? Nothing is worth that.
Silly people with silliness
I’m very frustrated with this gurlfren of mine. She is my college-uni mate, and she was my colleague at two different companies in a row, at different timings I left and then she left, and ended up the same place. Imagine my chagrin when she joined me at the second company that was known for being a fucked-up place without asking me about the organisation first before signing on the dotted line. When I left that god-forsaken place I lost track of her, but I did hear that she had resigned too.
Just this morning she suddenly popped online at MSN. Naturally I seized the opportunity to ask her how she was and what she was doing and where she was based.
And like my previous experience with her, she was neither forthcoming nor open about her current situation, to the point she was flippant and coy. It was like trying to capture water with a sieve. She didn’t answer my questions directly and even made funny faces with the messenger.
Finally I got mad and used caps to emphasised that I wanted answers.
She: why so fierce?
Me: becos I ask you questions and you dun answer them!
See what I mean? Extremely frustrating and irritating. I mean, what's with the coyness??
I finally got a bit of gist in bits and pieces, which is she basically got married for about a year already and she was running her own tuition centre. I’m like… just tell it straight in simple English and in short structured sentences!! *imagine me waving my arms in the air in agitation
* What’s so difficult about updating your friends about what you were doing? Why is it so difficult to find out what you have been doing all this while?!
Since we both knew her, I vented my frus to my best fren online
(the one who finally installed MSN in her office) and she said there was no point being mad, and that there was a simple explanation behind this kind of attitude.
They just don’t want to bother with reaching out to their friends.
Let’s not even go to the ‘You-got-married-and-you-didn’t-let-your-friends-know-or-invite-them-to-the-dinner?
I’m not mad with that part even. I’m simply fucking frustrated with people who can’t have a proper conversation about their long absence.
Me: so who’s the lucky guy? what does he do?
Note the normal query and genuine interest in a fren’s life?
She: will let you know once I meet you in the future. (and she logs off suddenly!!)
Note the SILLY
reply to a perfectly normal query and genuine interest in a fren’s life?!?!?!?!?!?! And note the logging off without even a ‘Bye’??!?!! What the fuck is wrong with these people???
When I was teaching, I made a firm rule about ringing mobile phones in class; if a mobile rang in the middle of class, I will confiscate it.
And so I wore this little red pouch to all my classes, as a physical reminder of my firm rule. Some taught I wasn't serious. Well, they soon learnt.
These apples were a result of my confiscating one student's exuberantly ringing Siemens. Ahh.. the audacity of German makes... Anyway, he did apologise and asked what I wanted to placate me. I said, "Give me either diamonds, chocolate or apple." He went home, took this picture of two apples and emailed to me, saying, "Diamonds is definitely out of the question. Chocolate is fattening. And apples are healthier. So here are your apples!"
This was almost 3 years ago. I still keep this photo, and remember my teaching days fondly. Now I'm wondering where is my little red bag...
I'm trying out Hello! Bear with me. I really want to post some pictures from my Yosakoi Dance Festival.
Ben, me, Jamie and David - 3 great guys I met on the way back from Singapore after the Secret Garden concert in March
Elysian dreaming again
I've dreamt of the Elysian Fields a few times in my life. And as always, it was beautiful and elusive. This time
, I think I was able to touch some small part of it a little.
And isn’t Paradise always to do with heightened emotions?
To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To dream that water is boiling, suggests that you are expressing some emotional turmoil. It also may mean that feelings from your unconscious are surfacing and ready to be acknowledged.
To see calm, clear water in your dream, signifies that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.
To dream that water is rising up in your house, signifies your struggles and overwhelming emotions.
To dream that you are walking on water, suggests that you have supreme and ultimate control over your emotions. It may also suggest that you need to "stay on top" of your emotions and not let them explode out of hand. Alternatively, it is symbolic of faith in yourself.
What about walking in water?
To see land in your dream, represents nurturance and you need to be grounded. You are seeking for a strong foundation and some sort of stability.
How about land under water?
To see green fields in your dream, symbolizes great abundance, freedom, and happiness. You may also be going through a period of personal growth. Alternatively, this dream may simply be an expression for your love of nature.`
But what if it's green fields under water?
Dreams are such convoluted things, don't you think?
I want everyone to be happy
I want everyone to be happy.
Even if I am not.
I ache for those I care for who are not happy, even though to the world they seem to be happy. I wish it were not so. But I know better. In a handful of friends, perhaps there is one who is half happy.
Which brings me to the question, how many people do I know are really, truthfully happy?
"Be back right after these messages!"
Walk down memory lane. I love this song.
(Eric Woolfson - lead vocal)
Is there no sign of light as we stand in the darkness?
Watching the sun arise
Is there no sign of life as we gaze at the waters?
Into the strangers eyes
And who are we to criticize or scorn the things that they do?
For we shall seek and we shall find Ammonia Avenue
If we call for the proof and we question the answers
Only the doubt will grow
Are we blind to the truth or a sign to believe in?
Only the wise will know
And word by word they handed down the light that shines today
And those who came at first to scoff, remained behind to pray
Yes those who came at first to scoff, remained behind to pray
When you can’t hear the rhyme and you can’t see the reason
Why should the hope remain?
For a man will be tired and his soul will grow weary
Living his life in vain
And who are we to justify the right in all we do?
Until we seek, until we find Ammonia Avenue
Through all the doubt somehow they knew
And stone by stone they built it high
Until the sun broke through
A ray of hope, a shining light
Something for y’all to laugh.
Story of the 6 foot asshole
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS
(Courtesy of my teddy bear who sends me these priceless stuff all the time)
For Cris's Sake Go Ahead!
Has any of you ever felt frustrated when a friend accuses, ok, not so much ‘accuse’ as ‘say’, that you should have said it again, like, say a few more times that it was okay to try the meal you were having, that it was okay to peek through your magazine, that it was okay to impose on something?
I’m frustrated cos this happened two days in a row. I mean, I already said it was okay once, and a second time. What more do you want?
The first was when I went out to this friend’s cousin’s newly opened restaurant. My colleague asked if she could follow and I said, sure, no problem, after all it was new, and they would certainly welcome the extra customer. She then says, oh, it’s alright, I don’t think so. I told it was no problem and said, come, let’s go together. And she said no again. Ok, fine, I left on my own.
When I got back and said how nice it was, she said why didn’t I ask her to go. I said I did! She said I should have said a few more times.
I’m like… okey….
The second was when my ex-colleague came over for lunch, and I ordered something which she said she should have too (she ordered something else). I said she was welcomed to have some of mine. She said, no, it’s alright. When my food arrived, I placed a spoon on her side and said again that she could have some. But she didn’t.
When I finished, after awhile, she made the comment to the other colleague (there were 4 of us) that I wasn’t sincere (she said it jokingly of course) in offering her my food. I said the spoon was there, you didn’t pick up, fine, I finished it. And she said I should have said it a few more times again.
Aarrggghhh!! What’s with these people!?! I mean, I don’t want to be a nag and keep telling you that it’s ok, go ahead. Come on, I’m very open, and you are my friend, go ahead!! Sheesh…
But then again, I guess I’m very used to this behaviour with my close friend, my gang, or my school mates. After we’ve known each other for years. Perhaps colleagues and ex-colleagues are less certain?
I’m definitely sick. My nose’s red and I’m feeling shitty. Think I will go on MC tomorrow.
Warning: System crashing
Finally sick. Sneezing and blowing nose is no fun. Bones aching. Very tempted to call in sick tomorrow. As it is, very tempted to sleep at the office desk now (ah...choo!)
I'm also feeling very xian
. Anyone fancy prawns with cashew nuts? Here's the recipe.
To buy or rear/grow/plant/harvest
600g (1 lb 6 oz) prawns, shelled
3 tablespoons oil
100g (1 cup) cashew nuts
4 slices ginger
1 teaspoon chopped garlic
100g (3/4 cup) carrot, julienned
60g (1/2 cup) sliced celery
½ green bell pepper (capsicum), cut into chunks
1 fresh chilli, sliced
4 spring onions, cut into finger lengths
1 sprig coriander (cilantro) leaves
Then you make the seasoning to marinate the prawns.
1 egg white
Pinch of white pepper
1 teaspoon rice wine
½ teaspoon cornflour
1 teaspoon light soy sauce
1 teaspoon sesame oil
Then you make the sauce for cooking it.
125ml (1/2 cup) chicken stock
2 teaspoons sesame oil
2 teaspoons rice wine
½ tablespoon light soy sauce
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1 teaspoon sugar
Ground white pepper
Finally, you put it all together.
1. Combine all Seasoning ingredients and mix well. Coat the prawns and marinate for 30 minutes.
2. Prepare the Sauce by mixing all the ingredients well, then set aside.
3. Heat the oil in wok and sauté the cashew nuts until lightly browned. Remove and set aside.
4. Sauté the ginger and garlic until fragrant. Add the carrot, celery, bell pepper and chilli and cook for a further 5 minutes.
5. Add the seasoned prawns and cook for about 2 minutes or until the prawns turn pink.
6. Pour in the Sauce mixture and stir over high heat until it comes to the boil and remove from heat.
7. Toss in the cashew nuts and spring onions and garnish with coriander leaves. Serve hot.
I'm tired from the events over the weekend, yes.
I'm tired from the lack of sleep from the fear of sleep, yes.
I'm tired from the self-punishment of exhausting myself needlessly, yes.
I'm tired from the worry of looking for a job here and in Australia, yes.
I'm tired of having to look for extra jobs to pay bills and insurance and housing loans, yes.
I'm tired of having to juggle attention towards work and family, yes.
I'm tired of having to present a front of carefree-ness, yes.
I'm tired that I can't find time for MYSELF, yes.
Basically, I'm tired of being me.
I slept at 9pm last night. And dreamt.
I dreamt of being in the bathroom. It was a strange bathroom. First I seemed to be in some sort of studio apartment, and one corner was the bathroom, sunken in, with about 7 - 8 stairs that led to it, at the top of the shower head was a lovely window, whereby the sun could shine in that fell in a shower of sparkling lights when the shower tap was turned on. There was no glass door, no curtain, just an open sunken area with classic cream tiles and a beautiful shower sprinkle head.
So I stood there, still in my chemise, enjoying the water spinkling on me, with the sun shining through the window in soft silver rainfall. I was looking forward to getting wet, to wash and clean off everything, literally and figuratively. Just as I was about take off my clothes, when I heard this commotion behind me. Shocked, I turned, and this door! opened behind me, and three men emerged, dressed in togas and tunics, talking to each other. I stared, incredulously, but they were oblivious to my presence and they continued chatting, going up the stairs out of the bathroom and into my apartment, and out.
And so I woke, still shocked that these men had appeared out of a door I didn't know exist, and pissed that I didn't get my desired bath!!
I checked Dreammoods
, and this is what I found.
To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.
To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls, signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. It may also indicate that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. If you reveal these feelings, you are afraid that others around you will judge and criticize you.
And guess what? When I clicked on this
, I found that I am also a victim of this.
What can I do? I just wish I can drop everything and run somewhere far, far away. Just for awhile. But I cannot.
Someone shoot me. And end my misery.
Before I do myself in instead. Or hurt someone accidentally. Or get into another ritual with my mom.
I have this daily mail from Belief.Net. And it had this Daily Angel Wisdom for me:-
“A birthmark is a kiss from an angel.”
It blew my mind away.
I don’t know what to think… Well, certainly, it seems ludicrous. I mean… a birthmark is a kiss from an angel??
… I still don’t know what to think…
Suddenly those few incidents, that seemed un-explainable, in my life make a kind of strange sense.
The sense. The knowing. The light. The escape from death. The presence in my car at times. The birthmark.
Mind’s still whirling from the events of the weekend as it is. The audition was unsuccessful. The event was a great success. Maybe I should look into a side career of emcee-ing.
But … wow… the birthmark…
I am sorry I doubted. Forgive me for doubting.
Me: Tired. Dazed.
My feet are killing me. I’ve been out the whole day. First, morning went to the Giogio Armani launch in KLCC. It’s the launch of the first cosmetics range/boutique in Southeast Asia. And it’s the third in Asia (first, being Japan, with second being Hong Kong)
I guess I don’t mind the fragrance. But Lord knows when I’ll be able to afford this brand. And they didn’t even give a door gift!! Hmph…
Then it’s off to Kinokuniya to pick up my order of Exile’s Valor
. *I’m happy*
Then it’s off to PWTC to drop by our booth at the Women’s Health Exhibition
. People are so greedy. They grabbed our free past issues. They are most happy when there are free stuff. They were most happy when they found they could get a free hamper worth over RM100 when they subscribe our magazine at RM42, on top of the subscription gift. Who wouldn’t? Even I would.
Tried to rush to the bank to bank in money for my mom but the banks had already closed.
Damn. I’m carrying RM1500 in me purse now. Sigh….
Supposed to go for the Alumni BBQ tonight. But A. might not make it. I don’t want to go alone. Anyway, still time. It’s at 7.30pm. I’ll wait for confirmation.
I’m tired. Need to sleep early man. Tomorrow’s the audition (still thinking of whether to go or not) and the rehearsal for the Yosakoi
dance event. Sunday’s the actual event, but there’s another rehearsal in the morning. Need to practise my Jap intonation.
Minasan, kyotsukete! Mata aimasho.
Take care, eveyone. Till the next time.
There are days when it’s good. And there are days when it’s bad.
Last night, for no reason, my mom had another snit. I still don’t know what it was over for.
This morning, I thought of testing her to find out if she was talking to me. So I contacted her via yahoo messenger. (I taught her how to use yahoo messenger about a couple of months before in the event of my going over to Australia, as it is cheaper to update her this way.)
Me: Full moon today? (there is a colleague at her office who has been acting peculiar since last month, and she has termed those peculiar periods as ‘full moon’ time)
Mom: definitely full moon ohooooooooo! not sitting with us before pray and not a word except for good morning and even then after I wished him first)
Mom: this morning I waited personally for the newspaper man to pay him (normally I will give it to him to pay) but after that incident with Jill's key I do not want to risk being snub again so I decided to try to do most of the things myself - I think he sense it and is sulking now - who cares
Me: who's sulking? newpaper man?
Me: or the fullmoon fella?
Mom: pray time now - be careful - out - no our hero werewolf
Me: 'hero werewolf' ??!??! hahahahahhahahahhaaaa
She always does the ‘out’ thing, and it’s always disconcerting. Still can’t get used to her way of signing out. But I still don’t really know if things are alright between us. Have to find out tonight after work. She’s always been alright when it concerns others, but not when it’s about us. I guess it's full moon on the home front as well.
I want to talk about suicide today….
I just read from a dear fren’s blog that his fren’s sister committed suicide, despite the fact that her future looked bright and hopeful, and about to graduate from her MBA.
As a fellow suicide-attemptee, I understand the bleakness, the compellingness to do away with yourself, despite seemingly bright futures.
Yes, I’ve attempted suicide before. But failed.
I had an ex-colleague who also attempted suicide but failed. When he came to work with a bandaged wrist, I knew. But it was weird because before he came to work like that, I already felt some uneasiness, when I thought about him the past few days. Perhaps that’s what they call kindred spirits. No matter where they are, you can sense when something’s not quite right.
I also knew of a gurl who committed suicide, just one month before she was about to migrate to Australia. She was an intelligent gurl, pretty, warm, friendly and just an all-round beautiful person.
A fren’s fren committed suicide on the first anniversary of the September 11 incident.
A beautiful fren wanted to commit suicide when his lover passed away, but didn’t because of filial piety towards his mother.
When two close frens broke up two years ago, one almost got knocked down by a car, because he was hurt, in a daze, and oh-so-bitter. The thing was, he was hoping to be knocked down, and just stood there letting Fate take a pot shot.
I can’t exactly remember the first time I wanted to commit suicide. Perhaps… when I was a kid back in Ipoh. But back then, which kid understood suicide? My only thought was to ‘go away’. Later in high school, you get to learn more about these things. Like wrists cuts, washing detergent, bleach, coke and aspirin, whole bottle aspirin and gas in an airtight house. (the things you learn in high school!)
When I was in Singapore, I really considered suicide. I lived on the 5th floor. All HDB flats in Singapore have a void deck. I used to look down and wonder, if I fell, would I hit the cement headfirst and die instantly? Or would I just crash the body and become paralysed, or hit my head and become a vegetable? Or would I instead miscalculate the distance and fall on the trees and thump heavily on the ground and become a vegetable?
Then I would look at the bleach that my mom kept under the sink. Would it be more painful to drink detergent? Would I foam in the mouth? Would my stomach burn and I suffer through the pain as the solvent does its work inside? Would I be conscious throughout the whole event? Is it going to be very painful?
In the end, I didn’t do it because I didn’t have the guts. And I didn’t want pain. But I nearly ran away from home for the third time.
In college, I discovered a wonderful painless way to die.
You read about it in books and the newspapers sometimes. And I used to marvel at the painless and peaceful way of ‘going’.
I know, I’m sick.
But when you are really down in the pits, you really, really want to go.
I’ve had a month’s worth of misery at home. I tried everything I could to make things right. But no matter what I did, she refused to meet me anywhere to make things right. I had cried the whole night and couldn’t take it anymore. I was physically tired, mentally tired, psychologically tired and spiritually tired. Nothing seemed right. Nothing could make it right. Even God seemed to have abandoned me.
I had driven to college. It was 7am. No one was at the college yet. And I sat there in the car, eyes swollen, and oh-so-tired. I didn’t want to go on anymore. I parked at a secluded area. Locked all the doors, turned the radio up, left the engine running. I reclined the chair and closed my eyes. I was so tired, weary at heart. I knew I would sleep within minutes.
And so I drifted off. I recall the music seemed to come from a distance. Like you know that you were walking away from the center. It was very very relaxing, very peaceful. Like you know you were going someplace nicer.
I’ll never know what jerked me awake. Suddenly my eyes sprang open. I no longer felt the weariness. My eyes were still swollen, but I no longer felt so numb. In fact, I felt calmer, and fresher. I was so wide awake that I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep and do it again.
The one thing going through my mind was, “Oh. Tak jadi ah?” (Oh. It didn’t work?)
And in a semi-daze, I saw myself turning the engine off, very calm. And I saw myself walking towards the college, like a robot.
I’d like to think that ‘someone’ stopped me. All my life, I’ve always wondered where my guardian angel was. Why did it let me suffer? Why did it not help me when I had trouble with my mom? Why did it not give me courage to face my mom? Why did it not appear when I needed it?
The second time I attempted was early this year. I stopped because I thought of my father. Strange, isn’t it? When I have not previously shown any obvious indications that he mattered a lot.
So, while I am grateful for being alive today, I still harbour the notion that it takes a brave person to actually commit suicide and I do understand why they do it.
And I want those who have been lucky enough to not succeed, I can only say that there are reasons for being alive. Be it family, frens, or an objective. I can only hope that I am one of those reasons as well. For I’ve been there.
:Writing this specially with warm fuzzy thoughts for Jung and Wanderer. :
“Happy Birthday, Ethan.”
My editor was shocked at the presents we placed on her chair for Ethan, who turns 5 today. She thanked us for thinking of him.
“Yesterday he asked me to take him to Heaven,” she said.
“What?!” cried we at the office. “Whatever prompted that?” I asked.
“We were reading about Jesus. And so he asked me to take him there.”
"What did you say?"
"I said, you'll only go when it's time."
"And did he follow up with 'when is the time?'"
"Nope. He just asked me when I would be going."
Kids really say the darnest things!
Ok. I've finally finished my translation. Can go to bed now.
Oh man... if it's possible to look more panda-eyed...
This weeks looks to be just as hectic as last week's.
Yesterday I had interviews lined up the whole day. However in the end, Tony Buzan didn't work out. But he's coming back in a few months, the PR assured me, so there's still that.
Today was not originally a 'going out' day. After lunch I headed off to the launch of CLARINS's latest product, which lasted for the better part of the day. Yet I went back to the office just so I could clock it in claims that I actually travelled to and fro.
Tomorow is not very clear. I think I have to go out too. But in the evening after fetching my brother from work I have to dash down to town *groan* and attend a meeting for an event that I will be emcee-ing this Sunday. Last minute thing, but hey, I did ask for a more 'happening' life. It's happening now. lol...
Thursday there is an event, but I can't remember what now. I think it's cow's milk... no, wait, that's Wednesday! Tomorrow! *gasp* Ok, I have to go out tomorrow.
Friday there is an event by Giorgio Armani, cos they are opening the first boutique in Southeast Asia. So I'll be bring one of my designers there cos he's so excited about it.
Saturday is another busy day. I might go for an audition, but I might not too, cos I've got to work up the guts to go.
Sunday is the Yosakoi Dance Event, which I will be emcee-ing. I foresee some positive ripples in this. Who knows. I might be able to find some career prospects in part-time hosting.
Yes, very very hectic, indeedy.
Reflections: Clearer paths
I think I see a clearer picture of things after this morning’s interview.
I’ve had two interviews lined up for today; one at 9am with this (later I found out) wonderful lady Nancy Morse, who’s a health expert on so many things, one of which is on evening primrose oil, and the second one at 2pm with Tony Buzan, who had to bail out on me last year because of a tight schedule, and who is right now, even wanting to change the time, again, for the interview because our ‘dear’ former prime minister wanted to chat with him, so guess who had to be adaptable?!!
But I digress, again. As I was saying, ‘I can see clearly now the rain has gone’ – ala what’s-his-name… R. Kelly! Actually, the ‘rain’ just came in. I think part of the frustration I’d been feeling must be due to the fact that I was expecting my period, which is like, almost 2 weeks overdue, and it came just after my interview finished this morning. Talk about timing. And I guess some of the guys are groaning out loud on information overload, while the women are slapping their hands on their forehead. Sorry, guys! I seriously don’t see why it has to be spoken in hush-hush, when all men come from women and all women know what other women have. So there. It's like when I was telling my guy colleague that 'sales' is the time to buy new bras. I mean, everyone knows that women wear bras!!! Come on, be a little more liberated in conversation, okay!!!
As I said, I see clearer now. This wonderful lady Nancy is from Canada and I could finally ask her what was all the fuss and joke (albeit, patronizing) about the Canadian health system. And she mentioned that there was this Health Organisation that was progressing in terms of providing training in herbal and natural medicine for people who want to specialize in it and who are already in the business of selling natural products and information. And I asked if they accepted outsiders, like overseas people, and she said it should.
It got me thinking. This meeting with this fellow at my ex-colleagues wedding. And the ever-present desire in myself to know more about natural medicine. The dishing out of healthy knowledge read from books to friends and family. It all seem to be telling me to do something about it. But I didn’t know what to hell to do with it!! Now I think I do. I think I should look into educating myself in natural and herbal medicine and therapies, to the best of my available means, and then working on it some, so that I can offer more credible information and advice to people.
I read somewhere that ‘it is a happy person who can serve’.
And I am. I am happy to be able to offer information on healthy tips and stuff to people. I only lack more information. What I know and what I have been able to offer, has only been because of my own personal experience. But if I didn’t experience that condition, I wasn’t able to help at all. And I’ve always felt useless at those times. And I always wish I knew but I didn’t have the time or the means to go find out more.
Knowledge is not free. It still needs money. I don’t know how to overcome this problem, but I guess I can only take it in baby steps. Do what I can, when I can. But at least now, I see a more definitive path and reason out of all these strained and seemingly useless desires and dreams and ambitions.
Lots of things swimming in my head. Not exactly happy about it, but well, it’s inside there.
Guess all these mulling in the head started with the wedding. Yes, wedding.
Went to my ex-colleague’s wedding yesterday. Went for the church ceremony in the morning, and then went for the dinner at a hotel restaurant.
We were a gang of four, ex-colleagues of a fiasco of an educational institution, which shall remain nameless, for it doesn’t really bear mentioning. However if I hear anyone considering sending their child there, I will pull out the red STOP sign in a flash.
As I was saying, we were a gang of four. Two boys, two gurls. The other gurl got married. Actually she was already engaged to her fiance for four years. And she did tell us before that we were invited to the wedding, whenever it happened. Well, it finally did. And I was so looking forward to it.
But I went alone.
One boy decided to head off overseas for a part-holiday and part-work thing. The other boy and I already knew, before he gathered the guts to tell the other gurl, one week before he left.
The other boy had to bail 5 days before the big day, because his grandfather passed away, after fighting a long hard spell of some illness.
And so I went alone.
And never felt so alone in the church, sitting in the pew, with tears tickling my throat at the beautiful ceremony, at the sacred vows spoken in front of God and family and relatives and friends, at the sorrow that I had no one to share it with.
And never felt so alone in the restaurant, sitting at the table, no one else in sight at my table, drinking my tea, thinking what a wonderful cosy restaurant they had picked, with some relatives and their squealing children already present, with me wondering when the dinner will start, and wishing that I had someone to talk to about this wonderful ex-colleague of ours, about how she was finally settled.
We, the gurls, were terribly disappointed that the boys could not make it. I imagine she was disappointed because she said she had only invited a handful of her friends, because her friends, she admitted, the ones who really mattered, were only a handful, and then only less than a handful could make it.
But the way I see it, the one who should be sadder, was me. At least, when she turned around to smile at her friends, she could see me and tell herself, thank God she’s there. But I sat there, even sadder, because there was no one there with me. It is sadder for the only one of the gang who made it. And I hope, that if I had the fortunate event of walking down the aisle, that my gang can make it there, ALL TOGETHER, and witness the happy occasion, and make laughter and inside jokes about and with each other, even if the bride or the groom are really the main butt of the jokes.
But I met an interesting fellow at my table. No, not a potential. It doesn’t always have to be that way. Anyway, he is the fiance of the bride’s boss and they are currently pursuing a long-distance relationship, which in my mind, is pretty stupid and difficult. No telling who can do what on the other end. But I digress.
My point is this, he’s a herbalist. A self tutored one, not trained or certified. He had interests and dabbled in it, and managed to work out a pretty successful mail-order herbal business with a couple friends, while maintaining a day job as a building contractor. When I mentioned that I was working in a health magazine, I could literally see the wheels of profit spinning in his eyes. He said that if I had the interests and the desire, I could make something out of it, and also, with the finessing of the distribution list from my company, I could make more. But he was quick to say that I had to juggle the ethical part of that. But he said he was willing to recommend me to go to the US for training. Yet the one things always standing in my way of dreams is money.
Nevertheless, it got me thinking. How coincidental that at a point where I am reanalysing my life in terms of career and self attainment, that I should be given choices to make a career change, some degree of tentative and shaky self-employment, and a potentially lucrative side job. All of which are terrifying on their own. And I still haven't made any pre-conclusive decisions or progress yet.
Then there’s this slight incident on the home front. My mom has a bad case of tennis elbow. The doctor’s orders are to avoid carrying heavy things and cooking for the next three weeks, if she wanted to make a clean recovery with no fear of reoccurrence in future. And the first thing that went through my mind was that I would have to be home more often to help out. And I felt walled in. Trapped. Here I am, trying to avoid being home too early and so avoid conflict, and yet here is this situation that calls for me to be home more often, which means lots more chances for conflict.
It sure bites.
It’s not that I don’t want to be home to help out. I just don’t want trouble. I know I don’t help out enough at home. Maybe she’s right. She’s accused me often enough that I don’t treat the home we live in as home. She’s complained enough that I don’t do enough around the house. Perhaps she’s right in that I don’t really treat it as home. I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t like feeling daily that I have to be careful, to not step on her toes, to not irritate her by not washing the dishes the way she wants them to, by not hanging out the clothes to dry the way she wants them to, by not cleaning the floor the way she wants them to.
Maybe I’m meant to live that way. But I still think I wanna break down that wall and make a path out of those bricks. I ain’t gonna stay walled for long. I refuse to be.
This is interesting.